In Which I Enjoy Rambling

On certain days, I realise just how not okay I am.

It’s nothing I can pinpoint: no specific reason. Nothing bad has happened. But on days like today, I feel sick and lost and so alone, despite having the best real life and blogging friends that anyone could ask for. Is that selfish? I hope not.

Weaving my thoughts into words is more difficult than I think. I was reading a book earlier, and loving it, but then my heart started feeling hollow, my eyes watered and I sat there, unable to feel engaged with anything. Even now, I’m just that tiny bit separated from my thoughts, trying hard to explain them to you because I know it will help.

This happened last night, too. I felt my heart beating in my chest, my throat and wrists feeling cold and weak. Tears just behind the space behind my eyes, when I didn’t even notice them before until I felt that freezing pressure. Why?

Yesterday, I made the first steps to cutting someone toxic out of my life – my ex-boyfriend’s best friend’s girlfriend. I have no ties to her, and Aspen – my ex-boyfriend – told me so, and that it was totally okay to tell her that I couldn’t help her out because I felt so shitty. She’s never cared about what I had to say, and talking to her always drains my energy. The truth is that I can’t stand her, that I’ve known her a year and yet she doesn’t know me at all, and that whenever she calls I get tired. Aspen knew I felt horribly guilty, as I told him that I couldn’t do it any more and that all I wanted to do was snap at her and tell her to fuck off. It helped, and I didn’t scream at her even if I wanted to. It made me feel like a good person, beneath all that anger and sadness and poisonous misery.

I distract myself, with books and music and friends, so that it receeds. It feels more bearable, when I feel as if I have my shit together. Then, the heaviness returns and I feel as if I’m just existing, as if the slightest thread is holding me together and I don’t understand why I feel so empty. I’m just having a bad day, after all.

Whenever I feel like this, I tell myself it’s stupid, and that I have no right to feel like this. Even though I know that’s wrong, I use it as a way to get back up again, smashing my way through life and then not understanding why I feel so empty. I’m making it sound as if I have something genuinely wrong with me when I don’t; I’m just another person who’s rambling their thoughts onto a screen.

I don’t want to go to school tomorrow. I haven’t done my English homework, being so stressed over the holidays because I didn’t know HOW to do it that now, it’s so late. I feel like my work ethic’s crumbling around me, all of the careful plans I have shattering because I feel so negative the DAY before school. Does that set up how it’ll be for the rest of the year, or can I snap out of it? Do I want to?

Tomorrow, Wednesday, Thursday I’ll be totally fine, asking myself why I even posted about this in the first place. At some point, though, this feeling will return, and I’m scared that it will in the middle of revising or working, or when I’m out with friends. The choking feeling that you’re doing everything wrong, that if you tried harder at something then you could just do it without feeling so listless.

I wish that I knew what I wanted. I wish that I was more productive and happier, that I could harness the spark of life I had when revising for GCSEs. That was when I could do something, when my hard work payed off, rather than today where I feel like if I tried to work, it would drag me down. Ugh.

People’s opinions shouldn’t matter to me, and I’m so scared that some people will hate me because of a decision I want to make. Which I can’t even talk about on my blog because people read it from real life, when all I want to do is shout it out and not lock myself into a loop of never doing what I truly want.

I’m so sorry about posting all this. I know it doesn’t make any sense, because my thoughts are so jumbled that wading through them is like stumbling through a maze. And when I’m going through it, I’m totally blind as opposed to having the shit amount of sight I have.

Wishing gets you nowhere, unless you do something about it. So I will, starting with how awful I feel, because I’m staring out of the window and seeing nothing and I’m drawing parallels with my life. That’s sad.

Sort yourself out, Elm. You CAN, because what’s stopping you? On days where I feel good, I’ll make the most of it and work until most days turn into ALL days. Posting this has helped me, because I’ve finally sorted out one tiny section of the wreck that is my mind at the moment.

There’s no use in feeling trapped because the whole world’s ahead of me.

I’ll just try and believe that. Once I do, I’ll be okay.

From Elm :*

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44 thoughts on “In Which I Enjoy Rambling

  1. I totally understand what you mean! There are just those days when even a small thing can bring you down. You always have to push through it, and I’m glad you wrote a post to get your feelings out. The first step, let them out. Only then can you work through them πŸ™‚

    • Yeah, precisely! It always makes sense when you say it, because whenever I try I ramble hehe! But yeah you’re right; I’m glad I wrote that post, too. It got my thoughts into some sort of order

  2. Believe it or not, I’ve been feeling the EXACT same way the whole of today. One second I was completely fine and the next I’d feel tears in my eyes for no apparent reason. It really sucks. I was actually going to write a post about it today but I guess you beat me to it πŸ™‚

  3. This is so relatable Elm. I have those days too, you’re not alone in this. What really helps me is pushing myself to interact with people even though I REALLY don’t feel like it. Surround yourself with really good friends and it will slowly fade away πŸ™‚ I’m always here for you xx

  4. Aww, Elm, I do hope you feel much better soon. I do kind of understand though – like I also occasionally just feel really EMPTY and I can’t find anything to do about it? It’s horrible, but you will get through it because you’re strong and brilliant ❀
    I'm so proud of you for cutting that person out of your life – it's not worth being miserable over someone else's issues and she shouldn't expect you to sort them. I'm also proud of you for writing this. ❀

  5. I know exactly what you mean! We all have those days when everything goes wrong for us. I think the best thing is to push through at our own pace and we’ll get there in the end. Well done for getting your emotions down on paper. I hope thingas improve for you soon. Get lots of rest and do the things you enjoy. Best Wishes πŸ™‚

  6. I know exactly where you are coming from. These feelings were one of the reasons I started my blog but I never really had the courage to post my rants.
    Julie x

  7. We’ve all been here. We’ve all felt like we’re drowning at one point or another. What’s important is that you know this will pass. You’ll look back on this moment one day and say, “I am okay.” I’ll be right here if you ever need anything.
    -Dani ❀

  8. Don’t worry about feeling bad. Everyone does that sometimes and I totally understand how you feel. I used to have a friend. By the time we were friends she was my only one in school and I was her only one too but all she did was use me. I still feel sorry for her even after three years because she has no friends at all and all she does is annoy everyone but sometimes you have to let people go in order I be happy. They will find their own way.

    • Yeah, exactly πŸ™‚ This is why you’re a strong person: Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone – it’s great to know that people understand me.

  9. Things will be okay! It really will, as for those symptoms why don’t u consult someone. Or are u just feeling it from the inside? I don’t knw if you’ll believe me but thinking positive helps. No matter what the situation Elm try smile!😊 I read somewhere that stuff like this happens in the teen years because u feel agitated or sad because of small things but it’s your will power that helps you succeed. (I sound like a doctor go me!) BE better and keep smiling Elm!

    • I WILL!!! Thanks so much, Zimi!!! πŸ™‚ Yeah, positive thinking does help a lot.
      As for consulting someone – it’s just something I feel on the inside, and nothing to worry about. Thank you so much for caring, though! xx

  10. Hey Elm! I hope you feel better soon, I’m sure with all of the love and support of this community you will very soon:) If you have some time to spare and/or need a distraction at all, I’ve nominated you for an award over on my blog xx

  11. Hey Elm! I hope you feel better soon, I’m sure with all of the love and support of this community you will very soon:) If you have some time to spare and/or need a distraction at all, I’ve nominated you for an award on my blog xx

  12. I totally understand what you mean about suddenly feeling alone, it’s not selfish, it’s understandable. I feel like that quite a lot, I’m just sitting there at 11, and i feel empty, and I had a friend today who felt the same. Im glad you were able to cut that shitty person out of your life! Its what you need to do. I find that the more shitty people I cut out, the less shitty and empty I feel. Surround yourself with kind, loving friends,
    Lu x

    • YES, you’re exactly right. Honestly, I’m glad I’m not alone; I needed to hear that. Feeling lost and lonely comes at me in waves, but I have people like you to help me. That means more than the world. Thanks so much πŸ™‚

      • You’re welcomeπŸ’•. I think that friendships online really do help, because people are honest with each other and can support each other, even if it’s just a small comment that can brighten their day. I know that everytime I post, and i see that someone likes it, I do a
        little happy dance inside, even on the most miserable day! Hope you feel better soon, Lu

  13. I know this is from last week, but of course you have to know that you’re not alone, and when you’re feeling that way, it’s good to write a blog post about it or talk to someone who understands, because we’ll understand. You have so many people who love and care about you, and you should never have to feel alone, Elm!
    -Amy

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