The Idea of Falling in Love Scares Me

The first person I fell in love with broke my heart.

In a different way, the second person I fell in love with also broke my heart. I’m not sure which was worse.

Even though it wasn’t exactly their fault (I’m still convincing myself it’s not mine), is it any wonder that now, the thought of falling in love terrifies me slightly? I’m not saying that my experiences were terrible, but they did leave a mark that’s now made me, unconsciously, try and guard myself against it again.

Love finds you in the most unexpected ways, and you often can’t stop it or prevent it. I know that, and next time I DO fall in love, I’ll be very happy and temporarily forget the pain I often associate with the emotion.

That’s the thing, though. I don’t think I CAN forget, and that’s why I’m scared of it. The simple, solid truth is that I’m nervous of getting hurt again. As with falling in love, you can’t stop yourself from getting hurt, but in the times before it’s hurt so much that I’ve sobbed on the floor.

I don’t want to hurt anyone else, either. In the last three months, I’ve sometimes felt the lowest since Ash and though it’s getting better, I still have moments where I think of the love I lost and feel cold inside. I mutter to myself that it’s alright, that I’ll be okay, but then the fear kicks in again.

Letting someone hold that emotion, from you, is petrifying. Trusting them is even more difficult, because I feel like – perhaps irrationally – people would just hurt me anyway, based on the two experiences I had before when I loved people. Is it stupid and not based on actual fact? Yes, but that doesn’t matter. It’s how I feel, and my feelings ARE valid.

Giving so much emotion to another person is the main thing that makes me wary. I hate feeling so drained, when I feel like I’ve given so much to a person – a little piece of my heart – and then have that shredded. God, I wish I wasn’t so paranoid. All I want to do is to be able to look at love and feel the solid assurance in my chest that I USED to feel, to be happy at the prospect of it and not nervous. Because of this weird fear I have, because of the way I’ve built up love to be this HUGE thing in my head, I can’t.

I’ve been known to rush into saying ‘I love you’ to people I get into relationships with, either because I’m scared and I don’t know how I feel so I try to set it in stone too fast, or I do know how I feel that early on. In either scenario, saying it and meaning it makes me shake; I can’t fake love but I ALWAYS get nervous it’s not really how I feel, or I do feel it but I don’t know. I never know my emotions well enough to judge, and I’m worried I could potentially put a label on something that isn’t right, or not assign a label at all. You can’t define it with certain categories, and they say “You KNOW when you love someone” but do you? Will I EVER know someone so deeply that I can trust them completely to love me?

Next time I say those three words to someone, I’ll mean it. I’ll THINK about it. Last time, I did both and I was happy, so surely it would apply next time I fall in love. Don’t think about how it’ll go wrong, or how it will never last forever. I have no illusions of permanence at all.

Love has become a massive deal to me now. People know that; people understand that I can’t throw that emotion around but I’m scared I will. No longer do I associate it with happiness, but I want to remember that feeling rather than the terror. I just need more people to understand, to listen to me open up my heart on the subject of the walls around it.

One day, I’ll learn to love the idea of love. I’ll teach myself to smile at it, to have that overwhelming feeling in my chest and not want to cry about it. I’ll remember that not everyone has another motive, not everyone will abandon me, not EVERYONE will break my heart.

For now, I’ll carry on with what I’m doing. I’ll just wing it.

From Elm πŸ™‚

Advertisements

24 thoughts on “The Idea of Falling in Love Scares Me

  1. The idea of falling in love scares me too, to be honest. I’ve never so much as kissed a boy before and I’m afraid that if I fall in love I’ll lose a part of myself, the independent side that I’m proud of. That, and I’m too scared that I wouldn’t cope after a breakup. And I already suffer enough on the mental illness side of things ; a breakup would make it so much worse. So yeah, we can be single buddies together.
    Trish xx

    • Honestly, I understand you there! It’s the fear of breakup that makes me scared, really!! πŸ™‚ But we’ll be okay. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and always being honest!

  2. I know love hurts sometimes, but love isn’t perfect. There are going to be highs and lows to it. But, I believe once we get that big, beautiful love all the past heartbreak won’t even amount to it. Just keep holding your head up! πŸ™‚

  3. Falling in love is one of my biggest fears, because I’m so scared of getting hurt. I’ve gotten hurt a lot in the past (one instance being very recently), and that has definitely contributed to my fear. However, I still have hope that one day I’m going to find someone who will get rid of my fear and love me unconditionally. Just keep being positive and don’t go looking for love; let it come find you. πŸ™‚

  4. Love is trial and error. The breakups and heartbreaks are the unwanted cost of it all. Don’t give up on love because it would of been staring at you right in the face all along.

  5. Falling in love for me is one of those things that I’m always open to doing. However when I get my heart smashed it kinda discourages me and makes me lose trust in literally everyone I know and it’s so consuming. I’ll be honest when I say that I’ve lost hope in terms of actually falling in love with someone that’ll love me back

  6. I actually love this post – so open and honest, so good for others in the same situation to relate to. As someone who is currently in love (little bit cringey there sorry), I can say it does get easier with time. I think you’ll be okay as long as you don’t force things and let it happen naturally – we’re all still young, nothing had to happen right now x

    • Hearing it from someone who’s in love REALLY helps; it’s not cringey! It’s lovely and I hope you’re happy πŸ™‚ Yeah, I DEFINITELY shouldn’t force anything. I don’t think love’s about that x

  7. Aww you’ll definitely fall in love and it’ll happen when you least expect it. However i do understand the position you are in, I have been hurt before and so scared to let anyone else in

    However say that, I do believe that when it’s going to happen it will. The past is just something to make you stronger and to learn from it

    Krish xxx

  8. Elm, I love how candid your post is! It reminds of a time when I felt the same way. My heartbreaks were numbing- the kind that strips away innocence and makes you realize life can be cruel. I vowed to never love so deeply again. After spending much time focusing on myself & things that made me happy I began to realize a life without love is no life worth living at all. Falling in love and mutually staying in that lovely place is miraculous in and of itself that two people can be so much in the right place at the right time in life. I’d be lying if I said my past heartbreaks didn’t have a place in my life. They taught me a lot and I find that the lessons are still being learned as I realize those people and that time really wasn’t right for me. My best advice to you is to love openly and accept what comes your way. Heartbreak happens just like any other disappointment in life- when your expectations are too high for your reality. Be nice to yourself and know that you are love worthy and it will happen one day and when that day comes you’ll sit back and think ‘it all makes sense’.

    • It makes me happy that you say this, because you’re so right. Thank you so much – I think I need to hear this, to convince myself that love can be just around the corner and not to be too scared of it. Thanks for always understanding πŸ™‚

What did you think?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s