I Know How it Starts

The first one is when they forget.

It’s not something they can help. It happens with time, space and distraction – all the things around them that let them forget how I am. Who I am. What it’s like to be around me, to laugh with me, to trust me.

Then, they stop replying. Little by little. A missed word here, a forgotten promise there: we’ve all done it. I have, forgetting a little how I used to smile every time I got a message. A hypocrite in its simplest form, but GOD, it hurts when it’s flipped on you. Some call it Karma, but I call it sadness.

They stop caring. Put you to one side, and I could never blamwh them. I’ve had it done to me, I’ve done it, and I’ve seen it done to others. The slow withdrawal of themselves from a situation, because it’s healthier that way. Either because they hate just that little bit or because it’s better for their mental health, it’s GOOD that they get away. From me, or from the idea of me. It hurts, but I won’t be bitter about the amount of times this has happened, because it’s a natural process.

Paranoia is the next leap. Every day, I question myself: “If I message them, will they reply? What if I don’t? Should I wait – will they – why do they hate me – am I BAD?” It always cycles round and round, until my world brightens a little when I realise they don’t hate me. It’s a bit pathetic if you ask me, but people are trying to tell me that IT’s OKAY: I can feel.

I’ll put it simply: at the moment, I’m exhibiting scarily similar behaviour to how I acted in the Ash Situation.

“You’re too clingy,” he said, and I took it to heart, not realising that one and a half years later, I’d be just as clingy: mind whirling, eyes watering, just asking myself what the fuck I’m doing.

“You’re borderlining on the creepy,” his friend said, making me feel like a psychopathic awful person. Not realising that the pain magnifies tenfold when you thought you’d learned from the previous pain.

It’s difficult to express to you how… Awful I feel, and how I have felt for the last week. It’s a multitude of things, from stress to my stained-glass window of a heart being smashed a little, to not knowing if it’ll be smashed further. I can’t help but post, can’t help but get this out somehow.

Because the reality is, I feel broken. I feel hopeless, like everything I do is wrong, like at any point this could be the thing that entirely shatters me. I’m sick of getting up again, from where I’ve fallen. However, I know that I have to, over and over again, when all I want to do is wrap my arms around myself and howl.

Things I Know:
• I blame nobody for any of the current situation
• Being in pain is a natural part of life
• Posting this will make people feel guilty if they read it, and I don’t want that
• I need to get my emotions out
• I have been in a constant state of wanting to cry
• I’m over-reacting
• I wish I could explain, but that’s not fair on anyone

The bottom line is, I want everybody to be happy. If my happiness comes after someone else’s, then I can deal with that. As long as people find their happiness, and people can smile, I’ll be happy. Yes, it might take me a while to be alright again, but I will be.

Things being okay is so important, but sometimes, they can’t be. I won’t let my bitterness swallow me, or the urge to blame myself and to cry about it all consume me. It’s not just my feelings that’ll be hurt, because at the endof THIS, someone will be crying, and better me than anyone else.

FUCK, I’m making no sense. I want to tell you everything, to let myself sob, but I need my wits about me to help other people, and to realise that in this, I come second to what I want. Ugh, I’m just throwing my thoughts out, with no direction, because explaining them will take too much time. You’re getting unfiltered Elm here.

The first one is when they forget.

The second is when they don’t reply.

The next few steps are the breaking, the realisation there’s nothing you can do, and falling onto the ground because it’s the only thing you know HOW to do.

Over the next few days, weeks maybe, I won’t be okay. Everything is uncertain, blurred, because I have no idea where I stand. I’m pretending that it’s all good, so much so that I’ve convinced myself that it is.

The seventh step is the unknown. It’s the aftermath, the stage I haven’t got to yet – the ashes of a friendship or the coals of love.

Having gone through this whole scenario multiple times – both having it done to me and doing it to others – I know how it hurts. I know that it can’t be helped, and thet the most important thing is not to break. How can I not break, though, when nothing feels right and I feel as if I’m drowning in confusion? I want to be happy, and to have something solid and not feel as if I will NEVER be good enough. That’s no one’s fault either.

I almost feel attention-seeking for this, because I can’t speak plainly. My mouth twisted when I told Wren, shaking overtaking my body until my whole world faded a little, the helplessness making my wrists feel cold. The hesitation on the words, “I’m so miserable” and “I just want… I don’t know” making me shiver. She helped me though, hugging me as only an amazing friend can.

I know how it begins. I just don’t know how it will end.

From Elm 🙂

PS: I love you guys so much. Thanks for always being here to support me, even when the words I spout make no sense.

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30 thoughts on “I Know How it Starts

  1. Once again, Elm, I can relate. This has happened a lot to me and I guess it’s better that I suffer than them. Sometimes, I have held myself onto relationships I didn’t want to keep because it made them happy, and that was all it needed to be. I really hope you are alright and I want you to know that this community will never stop looking at your posts, never stop commenting on them, never stop caring. We’re here for you, even if some people in real life aren’t.

  2. (Hey another Lia, hi!)
    I know that there is not much I can do, but I hope that somehow things will work out and you will feel better. *sends you virtual hugs*

  3. The amount of “Oh dear God I know right” creeping over me whilst reading this is perplexing. A bit scary too.
    Nonetheless I am merely an email/comment away.
    I hope you feel better soon and realise that you aren’t the problem. People aren’t problems. The concepts. The issues themselves (sounds stupid) are the problems I reckon.

  4. It’s okay to not be happy. It’s okay to cry and feel as if nothing will be alright. It’s okay to break. You will go through all this pain and maybe feel weak. But eventually you’ll become stronger than ever before. Life will never be always good. You need to go through things to appreciate every little spark of happiness and joy. Stay strong Elm.

    • I’ll do my very best. Your comment motivated me to keep going, which I really need at the moment. I feel a lot worse now than I did when I was posting that, but I hopefully will be okay sometime soon. Your support means the world 🙂 there will be dark patches in my life but at the same time, it’ll help me appreciate the light ones that appear

  5. Honey….I knew something was up from your tone yesterday. Take your time and pass through these stages. It happens to the best of us.
    You’ll be fine darling, and I’ll tell you again, if it’s okay, you can talk to me about the emotional tumor you are experiencing. I know you would not be able to though, because talking about it alone would bring all the memories back, but just, just be fine dear. 🐚

    • You know I will do my very best. You’re always here for me and that’s something that I really, really appreciate 🙂 I’m not very okay, because things have got worse than they were when I posted that post. But one day, I’ll be okay, and one day I’ll learn to smile or maybe be alright with some of the shit that’s happened.

  6. HOLY SHIT! This post is amazingly well written! Sure I empathise with you for whatever went wrong, but HOLY SHIT(yep that’s my vocabulary after reading this) this is a good read! And listen. If you’re feeling down read something funny. It usually helps.

    By the way can I quote you in my blog? This quote specifically-“It’s the aftermath, the stage I haven’t got to yet – the ashes of a friendship or the coals of love.”

    • Oh goodness I’m so so sorry for not replying! Your comment was so thoughtful and lovely and I really appreciate it 🙂 I’m glad that it was well written, because that’s what I wanted to get across: that I could still write. You sound like a really lovely person 🙂

  7. I completely understand what you are saying and what you are feeling. Your head is going to keep on spinning and you are going to feel pain but that is okay. Eventually your head will stop spinning and everything will make since around you. It is okay to feel pain, without pain you will never know what true happiness it. ❤

    • You’re exactly right. I just wish it didn’t hurt so much, like things have got a whole lot worse in my head at the moment but I’m just trying to power through. You know when you just feel so hollow? But thank you so much for your comment 🙂 I’m glad that somebody like you was here to support me

      • Aww you’re welcome! ❤ It feels like although you feel so hollow you also feel so filled up with all your thoughts. At least that is how I feel. Sometimes I think so much my head hurts and it is hard to think of something else.

  8. Hey, Elm. It really sucks that you’re going through this, I wish you didn’t have to.But please don’t neglect yourself for anyone else.. i know it’s so much more complicated than that and that it’s not really something you can just ‘do’ but honestly it makes me so sad to think that someone as deserving of happiness as you thinks that they’re less deserving than someone else or that they’re only going to be happy if everyone else is happy. I’m really sorry that you’re in this spot, hang in there.
    (Also, your writing in this is amazing. Like seriously. Amazing.)

    • This is why, through it all, you’ve remained someone I trust. Because you’re always here, offering a kind word when I need it. Thank you, Sam; I’m not okay now, but I will be soon. I want to be happy, and for OTHERS to be; sometimes, I just think that other people deserve happiness so much more than me. But thank you for helping me 🙂

  9. Being upset is a part of life- although it can affect others more, making them feel worthless, I’m like this but don’t let it make you feel like that! You have friends in both real life and in blogging! I know I won’t be the person you turn to but I am here for you 🙂 my email is sprinklesofanonymous.gmail.com (note the extra s!). Hope you feel better soon
    – Sprinkle Of Anonymous

  10. I relate to this post so much, and it’s so well written. Sometimes, I feel like I’m better off not knowing how it’s going to end. Because it keeps you holding on till the very last second, to that fragile string of hope. And maybe, just maybe, your hope is what will keep the other person going.

    Right now, you may feel lost and confused. But eventually things will fall in place, and whatever happens will be for the best.❤️

    • I really, really hope so. Thinks of got significantly worse since I last wrote about all that, but you being here for me means a lot 🙂 I hope things will fall into place, because I really need them to right now

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