Getting Help

This morning, I didn’t want to wake up because I was so incredibly sick of feeling the awful emotional pain that I’ve been feeling for the last month, that was especially amplified yesterday after a situation that happened.

That terrifies me.

To know that your mind is so tired, and that you are so miserable that you inactively want to just stop for a bit – is something that has shaken me so badly. In all my periods of wanting to disappear, I’ve never woken up feeling so hopeless. I never want to wake up like that again.

It was partly this, the emotions and situations I’ve experienced recently and the encouragement of my friends that has pushed me into really considering getting professional help, in some sort of form. A few months ago I would have never considered that, because I’m eternally convinced that there’s nothing wrong with me and that I’m making it up – but that just shows me that I need it, because I’m not fine and I think I have some unresolved issues that I’ve refused to address.

After I published this post, both Ivy and Wren messaged me. Both of them are amazing friends of mine, always there for me, and they know pretty much all sides of me. They said the same thing: “I’m worried about you, Elm.” “I really think you should consider seeing someone because we can only do so much.”

Yesterday, before everything kicked off, I told my dad that I maybe wanted to see a therapist, if I could find one. It was one of the most nerve-wracking yet casual conversations ever: I told him how I was feeling, that I was worried, and not that I didn’t think it was serious. As much as I’m convinced it isn’t, I think I owe it to myself to do something about it.

Then, what I like to term “Elm Breakage 3.0” happened. I won’t go into what exactly I “broke” from because privacy’s important, but I’ve never felt that guilty for crying in my life.

I paced around my room, gripped my hands together until it was just below painful, and then was on the floor sobbing. I’m only telling you this to set the scene: over the next 3 hours, I cried on and off, heart feeling like it was being destroyed all over again. The sheer horror of it, confusion as to why it had to happen now, and just general pain stacked up into a tower of spiralling thoughts. At midnight I walked into my dad’s room and cried, and barely got any sleep.

This is exactly why I’m quite worried. I can’t carry on like this, even though all of me wants to curl up. If it was just the cheating, I’d be more okay, but it’s lingering feelings of utter worthlessness. The skin below my eyes was slightly red this morning, and when I felt it it was a little sore. That’s not good, and neither is not sleeping much.

At break, I spoke to Red; it was so refreshing to talk to him about everything. As I spoke, my eyes widened and I could barely hold back tears. He understood me, though, and I think out of all of my friends he gets how I literally can’t move on right now. There was no judgement, no “you’ll be fine’s!”s from him that rang of empty promises; like with the majority of my friends, he knows that I can’t be okay for a while because I have to deal with these terrifying emotions.

Something that he said really hit home. “Maybe you’ll move on in a few months. Maybe you never really will.” Unfortunately, I know my own mind when it comes to this, and it takes me a long time to move on from people. It makes it especially difficult as S and I were good friends before all of this for years, knowing each part of the other from cringy pre-teen to now. The fact is, similarly to Ash, he’ll always be in the back of my mind. Unlike Ash, it’s not toxic to me, and I’m ready to accept that. I’m going to write a post on the parallels and differences to how I felt in both situations, at some point.

Now, I know that I need some sort of help. Yesterday, I got to the point where I felt bad for even telling someone that I felt bad. I questioned every single thing I’d ever said to S, to anyone; all of the conversations and tears and attention-seeking comments I’d made ripping away at me.

As Wren said, I’m pretty certain I have a fair few self-esteem problems, along with an unhealthy dose of disgust towards myself. Currently, I hate myself for various reasons, not least because of the things I’ve said to people that I thought were right at the time:
“I feel so miserable.”
“You’re so lucky, you know?”
“Yeah, it’s irritating because if I say how it really is, I’ll cry my eyes out and not be able to get up for a long time.”

There’s too much of it: feelings, pain, denial. I refuse to admit I have any serious problems, because that’s so disrespectful to those that do. I’m just having a “mental cold” right now, and pretending it’s something else won’t do me any good.

Still, any problem with mental health should be addressed. I can’t do this on my own, not when it feels like it’s choking me. Not when I am still telling myself that nobody really cares. Illogical maybe, but I’ve lost trust in everything, and that includes myself.

You should always get help if you need it. Even if you don’t think you need it, if someone else does think you do, listen to them. Whether I’m going because my friends want me to go or because Ow want to get help, either way, it may make me better. That’s what matters.

It won’t happen overnight. It won’t happen for a long time; I’m not deluding myself. I still don’t understand how they can be happy when I’m so entirely horrific, when I feel like I’m drowning in a sea of hurt. In the end, it’s just life.

I’m scared of me, of how I could think. I’m scared of who I could become, of letting go, of finally losing all hope. Because of that, I’m going to get help. Somehow.

From Elm 🙂

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23 thoughts on “Getting Help

  1. I’m so sorry to hear that but it sounds like you have such great friends. I’m not sure but all your emotions might not just be about S, I might be wrong but for me, it’s the feeli you get after: that you’re not good enough, that people will always leave you and you’ll be forever unwanted. It’s such a scary thought and it needs just 1 event to trigger these thoughts and causes a battle between yourself. You’ve been through a traumatic time and I think you’re so brave to get help, many people wouldn’t. You have people in real life and in the blogging world that would love to help you. By the way, I sent you an email, I’m here if you need to talk xx
    You’re such a brave and incredible person, never forget that. Xx

    • And you yourself are so wonderful 🙂 I don’t know what I do without people like you. I’m just so sad, so upset, much more than I thought I would be. And I think it’s partly because of this, and partly because of lingering feelings of worthlessness, and feeling like whatever I do, it will always be fleeting and not good enough for anybody. And that terrifies me. But I hope I can be okay. Thanks so much for all your support – you know I’d always return the favour XX

  2. I’m glad you’re getting help. It might sound a bit harsh, but you need it. If you can’t solve these issues on your own, there’s nothing wrong with asking for help. On my way to school today I was literally thinking of e-mailing you to check in and see if you needed to talk. If you still do by any chance, you know where to find me. ❤️❤️❤️
    -Dani

  3. The scariest part of needing help is accepting you do and asking for it. You’re very brave for being able to talk about it both here and in real life! There’s never anything wrong with asking people for help (been there myself like many others) and honestly sometimes it’s the only way to feel better! I really do hope it helps and things start to look a bit more positive soon and I’m always here for you (even if I’m just another blogger!) ❤️

    • You’re not “just another blogger” – you’re unique because you know how to say the things that make me feel worth something. I hope that I can get help soon, and that it DOES help. I think I need it to. Thanks for always being here xx

  4. Well done on asking for help I know it’s not easy to do that. At least you have a lot of supportive friends which is more than what some people have. And like you said you are not alone. I hope everything turns out okay. ❤️

    • I’m so incredibly proud of you; I’ll go and read it now. Remember that you can always talk, even if it’s difficult. Don’t let your fear control you xx

  5. You go girl! Getting help is always such a scary thought but I’m so glad your going to give it a shot! I hope it helps you sort things out and hopefully you’ll feel a bit better about yourself because no one deserves to hate themselves. 💗

  6. I spent the better part of 10 months pretending that I was okay and what was happening wasn’t really that bad. I stopped eating and I kept secrets from people who were really only trying to help. When I finally broke and asked for help I realised just how badly I needed it. I hope that seeking help makes you find your happy place again and makes waking up the morning less daunting – it’s always scary when your own mind starts to play up. Six months on and I’m still struggling but I’m struggling better than I was before. I’ve just recently been able to confess to people around me what happened without being scared or terrified of their reaction. Although I don’t like it it’s part of me. Your mental health should be addressed like any other health problem. You wouldn’t not go see a doctor about a broken bone because it’s not as bad a break compared to what your friend had last week. It’s so great that you are openly able to reach out and share your experience and know that you need help whether that’s by listening to yourself or those around you. I hope this next step you’re taking has a positive effect on your life and you start to notice a change.

  7. Even telling yourself that you need help is a really big step and it shows that you are so strong. Having a therapist is weird because you are talking to this stranger about things which you wouldn’t normally talk about to a stranger but trust me, it feels a little bit easier after talking about it with someone.

    • I hope it will, for me too. I’m just sad all the time and it’s making me frustrated. Thanks so much for your support ❤ It'll feel weird to talk to someone like that but I can do it xx

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