I have got myself into a few situations, and got myself mixed up with a lot of weird feelings, that some may call unwise. Others may say, “Elm, you are a fucking moron,” and they’d be right. I am absolutely exasperated with myself but I’ll also half-laughing because this is precisely the kind of thing I usually do. Sigh.
To cut a long story short: I wrote a post a few days ago which pretty much said that I didn’t want to get involved romantically with anyone for a long time. That still applies because I feel unbelievably sick when I think of feelings, but because I’m undoubtedly stupid, I may or may not have started to think that possibilities – in terms of physical ones – is a good idea. Oh my GOD, what am I doing???
There is a girl in my french class, who I’ve talked about in quite a few posts – most notably this one. I’ll give her a name now, simply because I can tell that whatever happens, she’ll be important to my life – perhaps Laurel would fit. She always fascinated me, in a strange sort of way, maybe because she’s knew but maybe because she plays the cello, sings, swims, talks to me like I’m interesting, and jumped into the life of french and friends and laughter with more enthusiasm than I ever could.
Last night, I went to Pine’s party – a girl who I’ve been friends with for 5 years. There, I had the most amazing time, watching a film (which was described to me) and laughing with everyone. Swan was there, and she and I had beautiful conversations; she’s such an amazing friend and I think we got closer that evening. Both she, another new girl and I had talks about philosophy, society and people, which meant we missed about 15 minutes of the film, but god it was worth it. After the film was finished, we playg Never Have I Ever, and it was then that my fascination came to the forefront of my mind.
“Never have I ever dated a girl,” someone said, and Swan and I put one of our fingers down. I’m not sure why but I was being very open with my sexuality, so much so that it was pissing me off; it was like I was trying to prove something to someone, to show them “HEY! I like girls too, do you, okay cool!” which, looking back, made me look like an over-eager idiot. This “fascination” with Laurel, coupled with the fact that my current emotions in terms of love/affection make me want to sob, meant that I was putting myself out there more than I felt comfortable with.
She came over to sit by us, once a few people had gone home. I irritated myself in how I was almost magnetised towards her, because my head was so confused and frustrated; as our game progressed and the laughter swelled, I remember feeling this fog, detachment, as if Laurel was unlucky for being the source of my not-even-attraction. Close with Pine, and Swan besides, it wasn’t as if I felt “starved”, but I absolutely refused to think of the possibility that she could be a possibility as I assumed she was straight.
Pine: “Never have I accidentally licked someone.”
Me: “Ermmmm we do NOT talk about that!” (Not that Pine knew what I was referring to)
Laurel: “Well, I’ve never accidentally done that. I mean I’ve french-kissed and that – oooh actually, I’ve kissed more girls than boys.”
I went a bit funny, then. It felt good, that she’d openly admitted she liked girls, because it shows that people are becoming so much less guarded about it and that’s great. Also, and to my annoyance, a seedling of possibility started to grow, and I wanted to kick myself for it. I know barely anything about Laurel, though I admire her, and know her so much more than some people I’ve known since year 7. Still, that doesn’t warrant any kind of screwed up ‘affection’ for her to happen, especially because I’m still so miserable.
When I asked, she told me that she’d never gone out with anyone, but that she’d kissed plenty of people including friends. Something I’d been meaning to say just came out then: “Kissing doesn’t have to be necessarily romantic,” and she agreed. Talking to her was refreshing, and I eventually slid rebelliously onto the floor. Maybe that’s a way for people to notice me, so I should stop doing it; I don’t know what I was trying to achieve, but now it makes me cringe because I think I must have made her uncomfortable with my weird behaviour.
I’m naturally a curious person; I always have been. Though I flat-out don’t want romantic feelings to develop, I was thrilled by the thought of kissing her, or of getting physically close in a platonic way to her. Is that weird? When I spoke to Swan and another girl afterwards, Ow reiterated:
“At the moment I can’t really have crushes, because I’m recently single. But I get fascinated by people, and I get fascinated by the possibility – of being with them, of being near them, but not of being in a relationship with them.” They understood, but I never really said that to Laurel, except to hint that I had been single for not a long enough time for it to be okay to want something like that.
If that wasn’t confusing enough, a boy is what you might call “flirting” with me, though that just made me burst out laughing, and nearly choke on my dinner. He’s the type of person who half-pisses me off and half-makes me laugh, but he’s been surprisingly supportive over the last month or so. It’s not like I’ve shared intimate details of my feelings, but he’s called me up a couple of times to tell me highly offensive yet funny jokes to cheer me up.
Our friendship is strange, I suppose. I say that I’m exasperated with him, but secretly I don’t find him bad. I would never have anything with him, because 1) He goes to the same school as S and Pansy which I can’t deal with and 2) he was absolutely awful to Pansy back in year 8, and it would be morally wrong in a friend perspective to get involved, in whatever capacity, with him. Also, he can be a prick and he’s not someone who cares overly, and not someone who I’d jump over the moon for.
Even though it would be shit, I’m curious yet again. Like with Laurel, it’s not an active thought, but whenever he makes a slightly suggestive comment, my immediate reaction isn’t disgust. Yes, there’s humour there because I find it hilarious that anyone would compliment me, and I always say “Poor you!” or “Hah, I don’t believe you,” when he says anything like that. He said I was hot earlier, and I’ve never laughed so hard. But I suppose I want to be wanted – don’t we all? In one of his supportive moments he said we should meet up because he finds me “cool”, but I’m scared that when we meet up I’ll get that burning curiosity. I’m nervous that, in my “This is myBasically, my head is a mess currently. Kissing someone, or leaning into them, is no way to deal with a breakup, but I no longer interpret it as dealing with it. I can deal with the breakup on my own terms, without using physicality as a distraction. Any so-called ‘physicality’ would be as a result of me wanting it – not for romantic purposes but just because. Laurel and that boy aren’t people I fancy, and though it could grow, I don’t want it to; maybe having curiosity for a number of people is bad, but it’s like wanting experiences and there’s nothing flawed in that unless it causes people harm.
I want to show you that you can be open with these things. Unless you’re not ready for anything, or unless you’re not pressuring yourself, you should know that you can do with your body what the hell you want. It’s not ‘too grown-up’ or shameful – though please don’t do anything too outrageous if you’re younger. I was told by my mum and other adults that I shouldn’t do anything ever unless I was in a relationship, but you know what? I can talk about it; I can show others that talking about it or not talking about it if you aren’t comfortable is totally fine.
If I get fascinated by something, and if both me and any person involved are totally okay with it not progressing to ‘romance’, then there’s no issue. The issues start to happen when complicated and unreturned feelings start happening, or when someone gets hurt. I don’t want either, and so if anything happens in the near future (which it won’t because I’m me), then I’m going to make sure that people explicitly know what I do not want. That’s why I’m being so open about this.
I’m nervous of seeing Laurel tomorrow, not least because I think I acted like an obsessive moron. I’ll just have to deal with it, keep up with lessons and live a little in the process.
Your body is yours; don’t be ashamed of it. I spent enough time calling myself some awful names, telling myself I was a ‘bitch’, ‘slut’, and someone who ‘played around with emotions’. I’m not. You aren’t either.
From Elm 🙂