When I take a “break”, what I usually mean is that I take an emotional break. All of my “HEY I’m going on hiatus guys!” posts which never actually hold true are more of a physical break, where I’m still so emotionally connected to everything but I’m forcing myself to not post, not talk, not anything because exams or stress or emotional sadness hit me like 50 bricks.
I only posted recently, but after that, I pretty much disconnected myself from a lot of things, which has made my mental health a bit weird. I’m not sure if I made it better or worse. My motivation’s gone down the drain, but I’m on the way to getting back up again. I’ve barely got the energy to talk to people with any semblance of normality, though I’ve tried.
This emotional break is weird; I couldn’t bring myself to do much except a vague amount of homework, and I shoved my blog to the wayside. 2 days might not seem like much, but for me, I found it disconcerting how detached I was from all of my friends and from my writing. It made me sad, but for some reason, I felt too rubbish to care.
Now, I’m back, and I am so incredibly sick of feeling this shit. My attitude won’t change over night; in fact, it’s going to take a long time and I know that. It’ll be filled with breakdowns and breakups and tears I won’t publicise. For you, it might not be noticeable, but I won’t stand by whilst I’m thrown to the curb and whilst I feel like people could not care about me. I’ve had enough of my sadness, but sometimes I’ll be too sad to change that right then.
This is just an update for you, to explain myself – not that you’d be angry, but this is also for myself. To remind myself I’m still going, I’m not emotionally dead, though it feels like that sometimes. To tell myself that the memory of people and of things I’ve done cannot destroy me.
Later tonight, I have some cool things to tell you, and by cool I mean dreadfully boring but I’m pretending my life’s exciting. Thanks for sticking with me.
If this post is monsensical, it’s because I’m ill. I have a cold and my voice sounds hilariously cringy; my nose is blocked; my head’s pounding and I’m supposed to be doing work.
Also, from now on, I’m going to make an effort to reach out to you guys. I miss talking to everyone.
Here’s an equation for you: helping people +talking to people +motivation +reconnecting with old friends =a happy Elm.
From Elm 🙂