Seeing Properly Must be Fun

The title of this post will most likely make me sound like a bitter snowflake, but trust me when I say I’m not. I’m telling the truth: to be able to see properly must actually be pretty cool, but seeming as I never have been and never will be able to see, there’s no use in me dwelling on it.

Blindness is a tricky thing, mainly because I’m just one person. A lot of people sometimes think I can speak for the entirety of the non-sighted world which is horrifying and hilarious, when the truth is that I have one level of sight and my perceptions of it are different to so many others. Let me explain.

At the moment, I don’t particularly want to see; I’m too scared of the adjustment, and the eye condition I have can’t be improved with glasses or anything of the sort and so my view is that I’ve always accepted that, and so that shouldn’t change. However, so many other people want to see: those who’ve lost their sight, and those who were born like this. People want what they don’t and can’t have, and I can’t criticise anyone for that because in a way, I get it. Not losing something because I only had le sight for, what, two weeks when I was born, but the wanting and the realisation that no, you can’t see. Ever.

So, there are the people that lost sight and want to see, and I used to think that they should just live their lives. As much as I still think that, because anyone should try and live their lives, I know it can’t be easy. I can’t understand, not having lost it, but seriously to just lose a sense like that must be the worst thing. I mean, how can I understand it when I’ve never had anything like it? That’s why I no longer feel like I can give any sound advice to anyone who’s lost their sight because I’m worlds away from getting it and that makes me sad, because that’s a group of people I can’t help.

Then there are the people like me, who were “born” with it – I say born, but it might be that they have literally no memory of seeing which is what I have. So, the thought of seeing is entirely foreign to me, except for lights and a few shapes and a vague amount of something that might be colour. And if I try and explain it to you, you won’t understand because you can’t: even someone who’s blind won’t, because they don’t see what I see. The only people that see the same are the ones that can’t see anything at all, and even then, their perceptions of it are different.

There are so many things I don’t understand about how you see, like the fact that you have depth perception because I can see stairs go down but that’s only because I know that pattern in my mind. Also you can’t look in two directions at once like WHAT IS THE POINT in having two eyes?!! I know one colour of blue, but not another (light blue like the sky is cool is that even a colour) because it looks black or green or purple, when purple looks black and grey looks like a lighter black; yellow seems like a muted white and pink is unfathomable to me. That’s only when it’s a square of colour too, not anything else, and contrasts are basically essential so unless you want me to tell you that blue is red. Seeing out of a window confuses me, because when I look out of a car and see a thing beside me, darker, sometimes taller than azuggr thing, I know it’s trees but it COULD be a building, or just a wall; I can pick things up but only through context and only very occasionally. I know when a person stands in front of me but not because I can see their eyes or hands or hair, only because their person-shape stops at the usual height and it turns into the air or the sky, and not because anything is distinguishable. Thingdon’t blur or stop, because I don’t understand what blurry things look like – they just are and then they’re not, like the fact that the wall’s on the opposite side of the room, but I don’t know that if it’s dark or there’s not much light.

If you don’t understand that, it’s perfectly fine, because I don’t understand it. My sight’s just always been there for me, nothing remarkable, and I’m not brave for getting through my “struggles” because I don’t remember being in the hospital; I don’t remember having the mental capacity to stay alive because I was a baby. Ever since I can remember I’ve been blind, not completely but blind enough, and that’s the reality. I’m not annoyed about it, not often sad, because I’m living and I’m still managing. No, not still; I AM managing because this shit doesn’t hold me back.

Seeing must be amazing, though, even if you wouldn’t know it. My dad told me a week ago as we stood outside, to try and see if I could see the moon, that people look up at the sky and think “Ahh, it’s just a sky”. and I suppose I get that. You’ve seen it countless times, and it is just a sky, the same as to me the sound of the wind is just that. I couldn’t see the moon, just a disturbance in the sky that might have been my imagination, but it was nice to try.

I won’t ask you to appreciate your sight because I don’t know what it’s like to do that, and so I can’t expect you to do it as it wouldn’t be fair. But always remember this: I wish I could see the stars, and a waterfall, and someone’s face, but I won’t. I can’t feel sorry for myself, because life moves on, and I don’t pity myself because there are plenty of other people who have it so much worse than me.

I’m just one blind person out of millions, who thinks that distant lights in the sky might look beautiful. I’m not an inspiration, but I hope I’ve let you understand that not everyone’s the same and yeah, seeing would be great, except if you never can.

People with disabilities don’t get magically cured most of the time, and wishing won’t help anything. To see a look in someone’s eye would be so nice, but I’m already doing fine without seeing that.

From Elm πŸ™‚

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35 thoughts on “Seeing Properly Must be Fun

  1. I actually understand this, because I can’t really see either. My vision is not to the extent of yours, but my eyes have completely opposite prescriptions; one is +8 and the other is -7.5 with an estigmatiza. I’m also colour blind and can’t tell the difference between shades of red and shades of green. So I get where you’re coming from!

  2. My teacher once said something like “People don’t have disabilities, the world just isn’t adapted to them.” I think it’s quite beautiful.

      • I think it would be because I’d have to adjust so much. Like I’d have to learn how to read, how to write, and seeing has never really appealed to me on such a level that I’d actively want it. It’s weird – when you’ve not had something for your entire life, the thought of having it doesn’t really make me feel excited or anything. Because I’ve got used to life without site, or rather because I’ve always had life without full sight, life with full sight is incomprehensible to me

      • Wow, that was a great way to put it. I kind of know what that feels like. During the time I have been diagnosed with Celiac (I spelled that wrong), I felt like I don’t really miss eating regular food. I used to give myself pity parties and stuff but now I just don’t really care much.

  3. Due to an infection I lost sight in my left eye in June. Finally it is healed. But I am still blind from the scar. Depth perception is horribly difficult. I have 1 good eye but since I can’t put a lens in it things are scary. Hopefully surgery and then a corneal transplant next year will help some. I really feel isolated though.

    • I can understand the fear, and I hope everything goes well. But trust me when I say that you’re not alone – feeling isolated is natural and you can’t be expected to be okay, but there are so many people who can help you through this. I can tell that you are strong and that you can get through this, but that doesn’t have to be on your own. Thank you so much for telling me your story, because it’s people like you who inspire me: you may be scared now, but you’ll find ways to cope with that fear. And of course, I’m here whenever you need help.

  4. I honestly think you are so inspiring Elm, you just take life just like anyone without a disability and you really make me apprecaite things that usually I think we all take for granted. Although I do have to wear glasses quite a bit, although it’s not on the same scale as you, it’s not nice having the world out of focus and not having clarity of what’s in front of you. Recently I keep getting annoyed that I literally cannot see my friends​ faces when I’m talking to them if I’m not wearing my glasses, but this post has really made me realise that I’m lucky that I have the option to see them if I put my glasses on, or merely just being able to see them at all x

    • Thank you so much πŸ™‚ but no, your frustration is completely valid! It must be really annoying, and would make you feel sad, and I understand that. Don’t think that just because I have worse sight it doesn’t mean you can’t feel rubbish about yours πŸ™‚ because you may have it, but to you, there is something missing and that’s worth talking about

  5. Elm, I read this post late last night, and I found it so inspiring and just so wow. I loved this insight, and your honesty and the powerful rawness of this post. I love how you are appreciative of life just the way you are, with no bitterness and this is such a wonderful trait to possess. Much love xx

    • Thank you so, so much πŸ™‚ your words mean a lot to me, because I don’t want to be bitter, and I’m so glad that I’m not. I’m also glad that you could see what I’m like through this post XX

    • I think that it would be absolutely awful, and I have friends that have lost sight and they say it’s one of the worst things to happen to them. I couldn’t imagine it at all.

  6. I don’t really know what to say to you, because obviously nothing I say will change anything. You’re just so inspiring to all of us at the way you get through it and carry on living your life the best you can. I wish I could understand, but I don’t. I’m trying my very hardest though. I guess everyone experiences life in different ways and this is just one of those ways. ❀❀

  7. Thank you for not only sharing your story but speaking your truth so we can learn from you! I believe we all travel a different life path so we can learn from each other and I have been truly inspired by your words!

  8. I don’t even know what to say-just that I am speechless amd I do not even know why I started tyoing in the comments section when I didn’t know what to say. Probably just that, you are amazing. An inspiration to so many. And a miracle in some people’s lives when they are so low and need to feel better and they stumble onto your blog and feel better again.

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