I Should have Known This Would Happen

Right. I’ve had it up to here with my bullshit.

When I started to feel bad at the beginning of the week, I should have suspected that things would go downhill, and so should have prepared for the fallout of my thoughts. In the time when I was more okay, I should have done more work, in preparation for the time when I just couldn’t. That time has come, I haven’t done enough, and I’ve realised that this could easily have been prevented. Or… Could it?

Today, I had horrendous stomach pains, and was so physically and mentally exhausted that when I woke up, I felt hopeless and awful and like I couldn’t face the day. So, I took the day off school, exaggerating my stomach ache and downplaying my mental exhaustion because I was just too tired to explain it. I felt – and feel – ashamed, and angry at myself, as if I’d given up – which of course I haven’t, but it felt like at the first sign of weakness, I’d just… Stopped.

When I woke up again after four hours of sleep, in the weird darkness of my room that felt wrong because it was so late, I felt… Okay. Still not good, but more okay, not as if I was about to break into pieces like I had this morning.

I took time for myself, relaxing as best as I could, trying desperately not to panic or hate myself to a large degree. After taking care of my skin a little, eating and listening to music, I did some work. Not enough, but it was a little victory.

I got lost in the reading of Jane Eyre, where words just flowed over me. They were beautiful, and when I read, I go into a quiet space where only the descriptions and I exist. Though I didn’t read much more of Othello, I looked over my notes on it, remembering about all the characters. I don’t even want to think about the disaster that is my notes for The Great Gatsby, which I wrote last term in my phase which I like to call “Elm Wreckage 2.0.”

That, unfortunately, was it. I emailed my history teacher to sort out the work, cried a bit when I thought about my French essay, and shed some further tears on the fact that I felt I was useless. It feels like a never-ending spiral, and if I tried hard enough, I could just get out of it. I could do more work, could get the motivation – because I’m doing less than is even required by the class teacher.

It sickens me that it’s taken me this long to even start to smash myself back together. This has nothing to do with the state of my love life, or anything to that effect: this is just me, all me, and my mental health which is becoming unchecked and wild. However, I think I’m blowing this up in my head to be worse than it is, as I tend to do; if I just TRIED, I could do this.

I don’t try enough. I become overwhelmed, get distracted, and then do nothing. It breaks me when I remember that I can’t help the girl I’m mentoring tomorrow, because I won’t be there as I have an annual review about my statement (disability thing) and she, someone who needs me and wants me to help her, is one of the people who holds it all together in her own little way. I need to do something, to get help or to figure out my thoughts before they run away with me.

It starts tomorrow. I don’t give a shit if I feel crap tomorrow: this has gone on long enough. Healing starts with me, and it’ll only start if I truly want to get entirely better. I’ve been languidly floating along until now, shoved along by a vague purpose, but that purpose snapped and broke and so I have aro create a new one.

Though it upsets me that I’ll have to do ! so much just to get my crap together and even more to succeed, I have to do it. Where will I be if I don’t? Today wasn’t me giving up; I realise that now.

Today was me giving myself a break, whilst simultaneously coming to the conclusion that I’m very lonely and sad and will remain so for a long time, the only thing changing being my motivation levels. It was almost me accepting that I’ve got to a state that’s separate to my crisis of mental health over the last three months – which wasn’t even that serious. Oh, it’s linked and caused by the low mood I was already in, and the lack of motivation goes back very far, but this time I know it’s me.

Because it’s me, I have to sort it out. I have to be brave enough to tell myself that enough is enough, I’m able to do this, and existing isn’t just enough any more. For my own sake, and for the sakes of people who I’m not sure even care about me any more. For those people, I’ll prove I can be closer to the person I was – filled with the true will to live.

Now, I just need to take my own advice, and put things into action. How, when I feel so panicky? The state of my notes is atrocious, I’m finding it hard to organise myself, and that’s all from before Christmas; I kicked myself into shape over the holiday, then regressed back to this. How am I supposed to clear up the myriad of crap from before then?

I’ll do it. I’ll stand the fuck up and try, try, try, and even if I fall again I’ll get up; even if people don’t understand what I’m doing, I’ll get up, because this is for me.

If you’re going through something similar, don’t forget that you can’t get better in a night. It takes time, and yes it’s hard, but I’ll be struggling right alongside you. There’ll be times when we’ll give up, and cry, and scream because we just don’t want to do it any more. I’m getting scared just thinking about those times, and I’m trying to stop one of those from approaching right now.

I knew this would happen, but after writing this, I know that I couldn’t have done anything. Being too emotionally sick to go to school was the spark that caused this: without that, I’m sure I would have got worse. Maybe I still will, but maybe I won’t.

From Elm πŸ™‚

Advertisements

44 thoughts on “I Should have Known This Would Happen

  1. You will be able to do this Elm, you have so much strength. But remember that you cannot always be perfect. In our world, we are all so set on perfection and this way of leading our lives with a list of things to do that we forget that we often need a break. You will get through this, and you will achieve your dreams. But you can also not feel ok. It is the building yourself, and making yourself happier after not feeling ok that is important. Focus on yourself and your happy. Always always here ✨

  2. Hi Elm,
    You can do this! Focus on getting through each day at a time, when I’m finding it difficult to be happy I find that writing down at least one positive thing that happened on a piece of paper, helps me to focus on the good things that can happen (even if it is just a good laugh with one of my friends amidst a mass of exams and stress) . Good luck, I’m sure you’ll pull through all of this, look back and feel so proud to see how far you’ve come πŸ™‚
    If you ever need to talk to someone, I’m here on my blog or my blog email/Instagram xx

    • Writing things down is such a good idea! I used to have a positive diary, where I’d write down five good things that happened each day, and it really did help! I might take you up on that offer actually – and as usual, I’m here for you when ever. Thanks so much for your encouragement XX

      • I have a memory jar that I try to put as many little happy thoughts in as possible, it really helps to focus on the good things that matter.
        Happy to talk whenever πŸ™‚
        Gx

  3. Hey, I have been in your place with the sick stuff. I just got over this weird virus that lasted three weeks. I really need to step up on my work too. I feel like I am not doing enough, so I kinda know how you feel. Today there was an alumni at our school to talk to us. She told us that it took her up until high school to get her work together to get into a good college and job, and to do the things she wanted to do with her life. Idk if that helps, but it helped me (at least with the work stuff) ❀ xxx

  4. This just makes me want to give you a big hug- I really admire how determined you are and I wish you the best (although you don’t need it because you’re going to get through it) :). x

  5. Wishing you all the luck on this journey. I had a day like this just yesterday and I too am working on myself now. Seeing this reminded me I’m not alone in how I feel so thank you, and again good luck. You can do this!!

    • That’s some amazing advice! I’ll definitely take it πŸ™‚ I’m trying my best, especially when cupcakes and Hot chocolate is involved because that will make me do anything XX

  6. I know I’ve been commenting on pretty much all of your posts recently but I get you and really want to see you do well, you deserve it

  7. believe and you will. i know it’ll be hard but surround yourself with the things that keep you smiling, spend time with those that keep you happy. write a list of things you love about yourself and your life. believe. and remember that you are not alone, there will always be someone for you to talk to. i’m always around ❣

  8. Hi Elm,
    Only seeing this post now but I just want to say that you are not alone. These things take time, I can tell you this from experience. We all have set backs but you have made it through all of your bad days and you will continue to do so and I’m sure will have some good ones too. I believe in you and know you can get through this! 😊 Thanks so much for sharing, I really admire you for putting all your feelings at thoughts out here on your blog. Sending you best wishes and virtual hugs!

    • Your virtual hugs really keep me going! Thank you so much πŸ™‚ I’m honestly so glad I can put my feelings out there because otherwise, I’d just fall apart. I’m really scared that I don’t have the discipline or anything to do this, but I’m working on it XX thank you so much again

      • Awww any time 😊
        You’re very welcome!
        Yeah I get what you mean, just getting them out helps, I don’t know why it is, i think it’s like a part of them has left, if that makes any sense at all!
        I’m sure you will get there once you keep working on it 😊 No problem at all

What did you think?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s