Girl in Minature

Upon being asked my bra size today, I became quite upset, self-conscious and paranoid – not at the person who asked, because I know they don’t care, but at my body in general. It was a horrible feeling, creeping over me as I ran my hands up and down my arms and felt sick inside. “Why am I feeling this?” I asked myself. I’d got to a stage where I didn’t actively dislike myself, too swept up in other emotions to care, but that was shattered with one (innocent) question.

I’m 5 ft. 1, and 17. That’s not a problem because there are plenty of people who are, but I look child-like. My face is small, hands and breasts and feet; I’m always the smallest in a group or if I’m not, it’s a surprise to people. I’m tiny, and I look 15 without makeup, 16 with makeup – i’ve been told so by multiple unconnected people. Ordinarily it wouldn’t bother me, because there’s more to life, but sometimes I hate feeling like the little one, the one people always assume is a little sister or just younger. It sounds like I’m complaining and you’d most likely be right, but I’m filled with this sadness and stupid, pointless irritation at something I can’t help.

I’m in proportion; if my breasts got bigger, my feet suddenly grew two sizes or I put on a fair bit of weight, it would make me feel so much worse because people might stare. However, people always yearn for what they can’t have, and as much as I know people don’t care about small boobs, I’m paranoid they do. It always comes back to that paranoia, because even if I trust a person, I’m worried they just think I’m way too small, that I should just try harder to look my age.

Occasionally, and I’ve talked about this before, it feels as if people don’t take me seriously at this size. Maybe it’s the way I talk too, or my facial expressions, but sometimes people talk down to me and don’t even mean to do it. This stupid insecurity is tiring me because maybe if I’d been born later, I would have grown more but if I were born later, I might have something else that’s much worse than blindness.

At some point, I will accept my body. People do find me attractive in some form, despite my thoughts telling me otherwise, and I’m not entirely undesirable. It’s funny though because I’m never the one that stands out for my prettiness in a crowd and I’m glad of that because it would put too much attention on me. On the other hand, I want to be loved – doesn’t everyone? – and to have that potential barrier of going to a party and people thinking you’re just not tall enough, that it’d be like kissing someone way younger than you – fills me with this inadequacy. I’ll shake myself out of it tomorrow.

To my shame, I snapped at the friend who asked me about my bra. I feel awful for it, because I started questioning my body and saying some pretty hurtful things about myself that most likely made me look like an attention-seeking arse. After I said, “Good luck with trying to change my mind about my own body”, he said “Well at least let one of us be happy about it.” In hinesight, that was a nice thing of him to say, but at the time I scoffed and just thought that he was bullshitting, that my stupid bra size would then be something people would talk about, laugh about, judge me on. I always think that that friend talks about me behind my back, or the group he’s in, but I doubt he does and even if he did, they can form their own opinions about me and I’ll live my own life.

It comes down to confidence. If I don’t have that, I won’t be able to appreciate that yes, I am pretty; no, my breasts aren’t too small because whatever size you are doesn’t matter and NO, I’m not somehow worthless because of all of it. People don’t give a shit, and aren’t going to laugh or say, “Pah, I’d never want HER; she’s too small!” It’s not a deficiency – it’s just a part of me.

Remember that all shapes and sizes are fine to have; you aren’t ruled by what you look like. If you think you’re too tall, keep in your mind that there are many people who think you’re the perfect size and you shouldn’t change a thing. Same as if you’re smaller, or if you’re a certain weight. Your worries, fears and other people’s potential judgements aren’t what control your feelings. You are.

From Elm πŸ™‚

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36 thoughts on “Girl in Minature

  1. One of the biggest life lessons I have learnt is that loving yourself is not just about thinking you look ok. It is about having a strength inside of you that believes that you are worth something. It believes that you are not only beautiful, but strong, clever, kind, inspiring. It believes in your dreams and your goals. It is the strength that lets you stop at nothing. I think when it comes down to it, its not just about loving your body, even though that is very important. Its about loving and accepting all of you. No matter how you look, you inspire people daily. I really get where you’re coming from, and I think everybody does. Nobody in the world is perfect, but everything is beautiful ❀

    • Seriously, you are one of the people that inspires me the most just for your words. You make me feel like I’m worth something, I could be worth something. Like I’m not stupid for thinking that I did something well, or that I have a certain trait. Thank you so, so much and you’re right: loving yourself is truly accepting yourself, rather than beating yourself up for your floors

  2. When I was about 16, I was asked at the store whether I was old enough to buy a movie that was 12+ (which means that they thought I was maybe 11???). So I completely get how you feel. I’m now 20 and I think I could still pass as a 17 year old, which has it’s advantages tbh. I can still shamelessly get tickets for reduced price because I can still pass as a teen.

  3. Your attitude to this is amazing, you have to embrace who you are and the shape you were given. I learnt that you have to be yourself and don’t change or act older just because people think your too small. I am 5’2 and have a curvy body. I get comments and statements everyday so no matter what size or shape you are people will comment. You just have to learn to embrace it. Be yourself, because that’s all you can be and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.. πŸ™‚

    • That’s actually really inspiring, Ruth πŸ™‚ Thank you so much. I think that everyone’s shape will be judged, but everyone’s shape is beautiful xx

  4. Today I had a similar experience, but you know, on the other end of the spectrum. I’m not going to go into it now, but I understand where you’re coming from when you feel like people will judge you for it, I feel exactly the same.
    And, as you say, it’s all about self-confidence, and being happy within your own skin.
    I think that deep down, we all know what we’re being silly, but it takes us a while to get there and past the negative thoughts about ourselves.
    I think that people everywhere should be more encouraged to be proud of what they look like, it’s going to sounds a bit cliche, but especially since we’re all beautiful and unique in our own ways and should just embrace it.

    • It doesn’t sound clichΓ©: it sounds perfectly reasonable and beautiful! πŸ™‚ I think we all need to realise: people will stare no matter who you are, will comment no matter what size you are, but YOU’re the one in control of your own happiness and thoughts.

  5. On the other side of the spectrum my love, there are females like me at 5’4 1/2 who appear to be 24 one day and get hit on by 15 year olds the next day. When I was your age, I was called ugly. I was chubby. I had braces. My breasts were large but I didn’t have much of anything else, and I wore glasses (still currently do), but it does take time. I will not lie about that. There are days in your older years, you’ll look at yourself in the mirror and be like “hot damn who is this chick and why is she so sexy?” and other days you’ll probably look at your reflection and question why you look like an overstuffed breakfast burrito in sweatpants. It happens babe. What you need to do is remind yourself that beyond looks, there are females twice your age who can’t match your intelligence, persona, courage, and depth. I know self love is hard especially in your teens. But that confidence is one thing that once you’ve developed it, not one person can take it away from you. You’ll get it together. All hope is not lost. Hey, at least you’re not missing your big toe or something.

    • Thank you SO much for that! You are such a wise person – in the sense that you know how to talk to me and be encouraging. I really appreciate that, and it just means a lot. I think I need to encourage myself to be better, to be confident in my own appearance, as much as I can.

  6. Hun, I am 5’1 and 17 year old. And I have small boobs. I know exactly how you feel. I look like I am 13 and I don’t know how to do makeup so I continue to look 13 πŸ˜…. Be yourself, shamelessly. You’re amazingly talented and beautiful the way you are.

    • Seriously, I hope so! πŸ™‚ Thank you so much – and I could say the same about you! You’re so confident in your opinions and your posts inspire me to speak out xx

  7. Hey, Elm? You wouldn’t believe me but I’m quite the opposite of what you are! I am 2 years younger than you (15) and I AM the youngest in my class but I look way bigger than others my age even though I’m 5’1 and I KNOW I may not grow taller! What really matters is that you should FEEL mature yourself and people will begin feeling the same! No matter what your breasts size or what what your feet size are nobody can define your beauty other than you! Because for people even if you’re thin, fat or short or tall or with big breasts or small, they will never be satisfied and they will never stop making you the target! And you can’t keep listening to them or killing them because I would be sentenced to death for the number of people who have said hurtful things to me πŸ˜› So ignore them and be happy :))))))

    • You are LITERALLY my favourite person right now; thank you so so much! What you said is so true as well – we aren’t defined by this because only WE can define ourselves!

  8. People are all different ; I am always too tall, too old and could basically pass for at least 3 years older. I’m 14, but people reckon I’m at least 16 most of the time. I stand out in my group because everyone else is small… And then theres just me. I know how you feel, but believe me when I say, being small or being tall..; they both have their disadvantages and advantages. Don’t get yourself down about it. Hope this helps! X

  9. I’m 14 soon 15 and I’m a 30A, however I’m also quite tall. I worry sometimes about my height, and how being tall can affect how people perceive me – I’ve been called ‘manly’ once or twice haha! I wouldn’t worry about boobs, honestly, I think smaller is better from hearing about how big boobs are just a general pain all around, and at least we can go brakes easier! Don’t worry about it, you’re beautiful inside xx

  10. Maybe you could look at it this way:
    If people choose to judge whether you are an amazing person based on your appearance then that is a very toxic relationship. Instead, love yourself for how you look and let people flock to your true identity and love you for your uniqueness. From what I know, you are stunningly beautiful already. Try not to get insecure over your features because I can assure you so many people will love the things you see as imperfections. You are beautiful just the way you are. Much love xx

    • And much love to you too; you are truly a great friend. Thank you so much for everything πŸ™‚ I’ll try not to be insecure; it won’t be easy but I’ll do my best xx

  11. Every one has insecurities and I’m glad that your able to accept yours ! I use to feel the same way all the time but eventually I got to the point where it didn’t matter anymore . Once you forgot about others opnions and accept yourself it’s just one less thing to worry about.

  12. I’m self conscious of my boobs too as I feel for me they are too big and I get looked at often mostly in a positive way but I get very self conscious πŸ˜‚ I know what you mean, you’re not alone x

  13. i can totally relate!!im only 5ft, and most my classmates are 5ft4+!!and like my best friend, shes nearly 14, bur shes like a c cup, and im just here like wtf im stuck at a!!!

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