I’m sorry for not posting this sooner; a family friend who used to live next door to my dad died two days ago and although I wasn’t close to him, it still saddens me and so I’ve been a little out of sorts since yesterday evening.
I’m going to do a tag today which is quite personal to me.
This is the Stay Strong Tag. Created by Penny from My Life Anonymously, it’s a way to talk about, raise awareness for and to help people through suicide and experiences associated with it. If this topic triggers anybody, I’m really sorry; I thought I would put a warning up now just in case.
There are two rules to this tag:
1. Put the Supergirl (or Superman image if you’re a guy) on your post.
2. Mention the creator of the tag and provide a link.
Some people hear about others killing themselves and glance over it – “Oh, that’s sad”, and move on; “I wonder how that happened,” and then they go onto do something else; “Couldn’t they have waited until things got a bit better – was killing themselves really necessary?” and then quickly look away, not realising how much their words can hurt.
Suicide is not selfish. It’s not the coward’s way out. It’s a last scream for help when people think others aren’t listening; it’s a way out when people don’t think they have any other option; it’s a tragedy but not something that people can just “stop doing” because if you want to die, you sometimes can’t get rid of those feelings and save them for a more ‘convenient’ time.
I have never wanted to kill myself or tried, but on occasions I’ve wanted to die: cease existing, just end, not permanently but for a bit. It doesn’t make sense, but in those moments I was absolutely terrified. Although I knew that I would never kill myself – never truly try to – I knew I wanted to die, and that I thought that the world would not even blink at my passing. I thought and still think life is pointless sometimes, and that if I were to just die, it wouldn’t matter. Because my self-esteem and self-worth is low, I go through periods of feeling miserable and scared.
I’m telling you this because I want you to know that I understand a little of what you may go through. That feeling that people just don’t care? I understand. But I also understand being proved wrong.
When I was 11, one of my relatives tried to kill themselves, and I woke up to them screaming. It is singularly one of the worst memories I have ever experienced, and ever since then when I had what you may term ‘suicidal thoughts’, I remember the horror of that night, of not understanding, of realising years later that there was so much I could have done to help. I was only 11, and realistically couldn’t have done much because I didn’t know what they were going through at the time, but the guilt still remained. It’s no use dwelling on guilt, though, and so I had to move on: it’s stayed with me though, and made me realise that for everything, people still care.
If you feel like you want to die, the best thing you can do is talk about it. Nobody knows the true extent to how bad my thoughts used to get, and I wish I had felt brave enough to talk to someone about it. Remember that people are here to listen to you, and won’t shun your problems. Either they’ve experienced it themselves, know someone who has or can empathise with you.
People do care – more than you’d think. If you feel like your friends can’t help you, and your family wouldn’t talk to you, contact a professional. There are many suicide prevention hotlines which you can contact, and websites which you can visit. You are not alone, because there are a myriad of people who will gladly extend a hand to you. Take that first step to get help: and if you can’t, someone else can. Concerned for you, people will go out of their way to make sure you’re okay.
Anyone could tell these things to you, but I’m telling as a friend. I know what it’s like to feel like you’re screaming and no one’s hearing you, and not being able to let people hear you. It’s so terrifying to reach out, but you can do it. You aren’t just a statistic, a number in a list.
You can’t be expected to recover in a day: it takes time, but don’t give up. Don’t ever give up on yourself because if you feel like nobody cares about you, it’s up to you to start caring about your health. You’re not worthless.
Don’t suffer in silence: the world needs your voice.
Love from Elm 🙂