In my younger years (I sound like an old woman) I was notorious for hating shopping, scorning the thought of myself wearing makeup, and not wanting to go to the effort of going outside to do something for myself – entirely for me. Today, I flipped that on its head, and realised some parts of my personality have changed drastically.
When I’m at my dad’s house, I’m often happier and strive to be independent. Such was the case when my dad asked me on Thursday, “Elm, want to do anything at the weekend? Maybe we could go out on a walk or learn some routes, like going on the bus or something.” I’m blind and so my independence means a lot to me, as it’s abismally low, which meant that I jumped on the opportunity.
“Actually,” I said yesterday when I was transferring from my mum’s to my dad’s, “Can I go out and get some makeup brushes and makeup?” No one was more surprised than I was (except most likely my mum). Over the last year and a half, I’ve steadily warmed to the idea of makeup: I don’t think I’d wear it all the time, but I know it makes me feel confident. Not because of my appearance because I can’t see myself, but it’s a new thing, an extra little add-on that – if I apply it myself – gives me faith in my own abilities, if that makes sense?
After having stayed up until 4 (I still have a pretend grudge against the bloggers I skyped until then) I was exhausted; I woke up at 11, relaxed, had a shower, brushed my hair and made myself feel as relaxed and happy as possible because I knew if I went out today with a bad mindset I’d give up and not want to do what would make me feel better: taking control of myself. I took the first steps to do that by putting perfume on, and wearing clothes that I actually like; it’s little things like these which make me feel secure.
At my stepmother’s insistance, I wasn’t guided by my dad and I walked the (short) distance to the bus stop. I embarrassed myself by not being able to find the card reader thing (I live near London) and getting pissed off, stepping aggressively down the bus and then losing contact with my dad, meaning that I couldn’t find a seat and nearly sat on someone… That was great.
When I arrived at the shops, I got stressed: I knew what I wanted, but I was paranoid I wasn’t getting the right thing. Rapunzel, a close friend of mine, has helped me because I’m literally terrible at everything to do with beauty. I asked her for advice, and used my (limited) skills to find out what I liked.
Four brushes from Real Techniques:
• A foundation brush
• Concealer brush
• Shadow brush (for eyeshadow I think
I KNOW NOTHING)
• Powder brush
• Foundation from Bare Minerals
• Perfecting Veil from Bare Minerals
• Two packs of makeup wipes from Boots
• I’m not turning into a beauty blogger; that would be hilarious because me +beauty =disaster
In the midst of shopping, I had to deal with some, errm, emotional panic, so that wasn’t great, but I soon looked over it because I was happy as I was being independent with my actions. Not once did I feel bored, or frustrated at not being able to decide; I spoke to three shop assistants and didn’t feel out of place. They didn’t make me feel like a child.
This afternoon, I learned that it’s okay to change your opinions. It’s alright to go out there, ‘do what you want, and not judge yourself for it. I’ve accepted that I’m intrigued by the thought of makeup, of making myself look a certain way and being able to manipulate that.
All in all? Finding myself makes me feel like I can truly do this. That I can truly express my own personality without screaming at myself for it. You can, too.
From Elm 🙂