I Can be A Horrible Person

Over the last 2 weeks, I’ve fucked up totally, upset multiple people and most likely ruined two of the best friendships I’ve ever had. I want to put that out there first without any sugar-coating.

Up until too recently than I’m comfortable with, when I used to spectacularly screw up, I denied it: I locked myself into a loop of violently blaming myself but actually refused to admit I’d done wrong or to think about it. It’s a flaw that I was aware of but not enough; I’ve come to the realisation that I need to really think about who I want to be. The former I still have but the latter? I’m thinking about what I’ve done. I’m owning up to it; I almost want people to know what a shit person I’ve been so that they don’t have any illusions about me. Will it make people respect me less? Most likely. Do I care? Absolutely but if I fuck up, I have to face the consequences.’

I won’t justify what I did because I don’t deserve it: I won’t go into detail but I neglected friends and exchanged lasting things for things that may be fleeting.

Things have got complicated inside my head. It’s a twist of confusion, strange feelings and attempting to balance my happiness with making other people happy. It’s selfishness versus selflessness and I don’t know what to do; I feel cold, angry with myself but mostly so, so guilty.

I never mean to hurt people. It’s always that something happens, it runs away with me; I panic, start to tell people different things, get so paranoid that I can’t think and then everything goes to hell. If I had just talked to people about things, then the situations wouldn’t have happened but if those hadn’t had happened, I wouldn’t learn. I wouldn’t have come to some realisations about my feelings that are scary but that I have to think about. However, there’s no excuse to upset people even if I had no idea what I was doing or if I thought that people knew things they didn’t know: I should have been more aware, but ‘should have’ didn’t happen and all I can do is just own up to it and face up to what I did.

Unlike this morning, I don’t feel violent with myself. Earlier I wanted to smash everything, to hurt my body like I’d hurt other people’s minds and to just teach myself a lesson. At some points, I have to put my hands behind my back to remind myself that I’m still here and that causing myself to hurt more than I already do would solve nothing. I stayed up for a long time last night thinking, the vicious anger crawling up my spine as I remembered how unfair it was of me to treat people terribly.

Now, I have to think carefully about where I go from here. It’s no longer just my feelings: other people are involved and how I act, how I think and who I trust will shape the current friendships I have. It’s terrifying but all I know is that I want people to be happy. All I want is for no one to get hurt and for everyone to communicate properly so that there is no more backstabbing, no more lies, no more secrets and fears and worries. I won’t get that – especially from myself – and I know that, but I’ll try. I’ll do my bloody best to try.

This isn’t me asking for pity, or for you to tell me that I didn’t mess up or make people angry. I know I did and I’ll freely admit that; I feel absolutely atrocious about it. Even if no one believes me, I’ll say it here so it’s here forever; I’ll say it because it’s one of the things I know.

I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry for hurting people; I’m sorry for lying; I’m sorry that I wasn’t honest about how I felt. I’m sorry that I can be a god-awful friend and that I avoid my problems, that I could have prevented the situations that are now making me feel this way because I was too worried that everyone would hate me. I’m sorry I was just never there like I should have been and that I try to fix things but make it worse.

I want to become a better person. I want to be happy. Most of all, though, I want you all to understand that I’m human, I do stupid things and make bad decisions. I’m admitting that, though.

Don’t beat yourself up for doing something bad like I’m doing now. Just remember – like I should – that when you explain a situation to someone, make sure you think about both sides or however many there are. Don’t make people turn against one another because you’ve only talked about one side, shown one text or presented a distorted view of things. Tell them that it’s your side and let them form their own opinions. X’the one thing I’ve done about this that I’m proud of; I’m so done with only explaining one perspective.

I can be better. I just have to make a conscious effort to try. At least I’m writing this here so that there’s a permanent record: I was horrible; I am horrible; I will be horrible but at least I know that. I won’t hide it.

Love from Elm πŸ™‚

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48 thoughts on “I Can be A Horrible Person

  1. This happens when you’re young. I promise I have been through it before. You say mean things and it just happens. And others do it too. It feels like the end of the world. It may surprise you, but I was there. I know everyone thinks they screwed up royally, and only them…it’s ok bc EVERYONE DOES IT. I’ve spilled secrets, had others spill mine, said mean things and had mean things said about me.
    It will be ok. I promise: I know it doesn’t seem like it now. Just hang tight, make your apologies, and remember it’s because you’re a teen. I STILL say stupid stuff that just pops out of my mouth. True friends will understand but they will be angry at first. I’m here if you need to talk. 😘

    • Ohhh thank you so much. I’m feeling guilty still but at least some of the situation is sorted out! I HOPE. Need to mind my words though but it’s comforting to know that it happens to everyone. I just don’t want to be alone you know? Thanks for your support as ever!

  2. You’re only human. Messed up, it happens. You’re also trying to make things right. I don’t know about other people and I don’t know if it matters, but for what it’s worth, I believe you.

    • I hope I’m worth believing. I want to make things right and I’m on my way there but it takes time 😦 Thanks for reading though; it means a lot

      • The fact that you’ve owned up to your mistakes and acknowledged that you did something wrong speaks volumes. It may take time to make things right, and sometimes you can never go back to the way things were before, but I’d like you to remember a few things. A, this happens to everyone, not just you (which also means you can talk to people about it). B, making things right is a two way street, don’t place the entire burden on yourself. C, you are not alone (what are we here for?). D, I’ve not known you for very long but I don’t think you are a horrible person. I think you are just human with a heart. Definitely worth believing. Hang in there, Elm. Everything is going to be okay. xx

      • I hope so and your support means so much to me honestly. You’ve taken the time to help me, to give me advice and you’ve gone out of your way to do that. I couldn’t be more thankful πŸ™‚

  3. You understand what you are and so you know you can change into what you want to be. I had a similar phase recently and one of the wisest bloggers in the community, told me this-β€œThat’s ok. You’re a good person and if I don’t hear from you I worry about how you’re doing and hope that whatever is happening in your life is transient and all will return to normal. We’re friends, after all, and while we may not always remember this and act accordingly, that single fact is the indisputable truth that will bring us through this.” I think about this a lot and it really helps me.
    It really will be okay. It’s never too late to talk to a friend. They will listen no matter what. Apologize. Give them some time, I’m sure they’ll understand. I’m here if you need to talk ❀

    • Oh gosh thank you so so much for talking some sense into me. You are amazing you know that? Whoever that blogger is sounds amazing and gives great advice which applies to me. We all go through this – I need to remember that. It’ll be okay. People still love me – thank you so much.

  4. You’re sooooo not alone… Believe me πŸ™‚ You are not a bad person for making bad moves at the bad moment πŸ™‚ And you certainly aren’t a horrible person. *warm thoughts* Wave if you need to chat about it! xx

  5. Elm, I think you`ve come pretty far, as you`ve realised you went wrong and as you want to become a better person. I also think people make mistakes a lot of times and sometimes you hurt people you love – but that doesn`t necessarily make you a bad person. Remember that.

  6. Oh you are really not alone! We all have been there, still are there and have to work on it every day. You have a lot of support if you need to talk to another imperfect person!

  7. I feel like whenever my friends fall out, it’s my fault. Maybe I said something wrong? Did I twist it? Was it a lie? Should I have said that? I start to blame myself because I’m a horrible person too. I lie to try and get out of situations where I don’t want the other person to hurt, I over exaggerate things to make the story more interesting but it can actually ruin friendships. I’m a bad human too and I understand this so much Elm.
    I feel so bad that I haven’t been reading your blog posts recently as I’ve forgotten how much I understand you.
    Everyone makes bad decisions even the nicest people xxx

    • I think that we’re proof of it – we aren’t bad people but we can do bad things. Remember that YOU aren’t a bad person at ALL; I’ve missed you and your honest words; you don’t sugarcoat things about yourself and others and I appreciate that. You don’t try and make things out to be unrealistic in THIS sense: you know what you do and it’s okay. Please never forget you’re great xx

  8. The fact that you feel so bad is so much better than if you didn’t. That’s PROOF that you’re not a horrible person. Of course you didn’t mean to hurt anyone. It happens. Making mistakes is fine, ESPECIALLY if you realise (which you clearly do!!) Hope you’re doing okay, lots of love x

  9. I’m not gonna console you but applaud you for owing it all up. You have guts and realizations of your mistakes and that’d what is important. Screwing up is okay but what we as humans need to learn is mistakes happen so that we can learn how to screw it back down. I can tell you that you’re certainly not the worst. No one is. We all have our ups and downs, neat and clean. Be glad that you know where you went wrong and you stand a chance of getting out of that state. Happy spring and warm hugs 😊

    • Same to you πŸ™‚ Thank you so much; it’s amazing to be reassured that I’m not the worst. I just need to remember that all isn’t hopeless
      and that I WILL be okay, that I CAN pick myself up again and improve. Thanks again xx

  10. It’s normal to mess up sometimes, what’s important now isn’t the mess up but how you go forward and mend friendships and fix problems. I love you elm and you’re an incredible person and I’m sure you’ll get through this

  11. I’m not going to say that what I just read wasn’t heavy stuff, because jeez I really don’t know what to say. But I do want you to know that it’s entirely human to do things we regret later, and being frustrated because you just can’t stop feeling a certain way at times. I admire you SO MUCH for admitting to all this, because I think that’s what a blog should be for. When I started my blog, I promised myself I would tell the truth. I obviously won’t talk about everything, but if I were to anywhere, it would be on my blog. Being honest with yourself is the first step to being able to forgive yourself, and trust me in that you need to learn to forgive yourself to move on and be happy, Maybe your friends need to hear about how you really feel and you may find yourself surrounded my support instead of riddled with guilt. Sending you loads of love ❀️ ❀️️

    • Thank you so much πŸ™‚ I honestly feel like you understand me, despite not knowing me in real life. You can be honest whenever you’d like and just your support means the world. I know that it’s human nature to feel like this but it doesn’t stop me from feeling guilty. If I tell my friends, I’m so scared they won’t listen or will instantly judge me for things I already know I did wrong.

  12. Ooh Gosh. Did you just look at the amount of support you got?? And yet, you call yourself a horrible person!! If you’d been beside me, I would have got into a violent mode. Come on. You are by far my MOST favourite person in the blogosphere. Things happen, Elm. And you are a veryy strong person, judging by the way you accept everything. You mean a lot to many people around you, and they’re willing to help you any time you need.(Include me on the top of the list). I really love a lot about you. And please dont change yourself. You are who you are, and we love it . ❀

    • You are beautiful – seriouslyI had tears in my exes when I first read it. I couldn’t ask for a better supporting person like you: you encourage me and actually SHOW me how much people love me. I hope I can live up to people’s expectations and not be awful. Please never forget that I respect you more than a lot of people xx

  13. I’m only human after all. I’m only human after all, dont put your blame on me . danananan (yeah, sorry just me, ignore this random lyric burst out). AHEM, ANYWAYS. I’m glad that you’re accepting you’ve done bad things but don’t dwelll it on it too much. LOOK TO THE FUTURE (reach up for the stars lalalala….ooops) I GUESS (waaattt. this comment made no sense. hopefully it CHEERIOed your up. YA KNOW CHEERIOS. Okay too Cheesy, or should I say CHERIOy? Okay stop)

  14. If I were to list all the mistakes I made throughout my 73 years on this earth I would be a wealthy woman. Learn from your mistakes, apologize with sincerity and give it time. No one is perfect don’t beat yourself up. Everything we say and do is a choice. If we took the time to think about what the consequences could be before and how it would affect others this world would be a better place. Be kind, be loving, be understanding, we are all human and none of us are perfect. ☺☺

  15. Shit happens, just make like a dog and cover that shit up and try to do better the next day. Don’t beat yourself about the head for it and least you KNOW you were wrong. Some people live their lives like this thinking “I didn’t do anything wrong”
    You’re a strong person from what I’m gathering from your blog (I’m new to this)
    Hugs.

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