I Had a Wild Imagination – Writings of a Younger Elm, Number 3

Read parts 1 and 2 here.

When I was about 8, I fancied myself quite the creative person. I was in year 3 or 4 – I bloody hope I was that young or I may cry from embarrassment – and we were set a task to write a fairy-tale type story. I don’t remember what the task actually entailed but it was to explain something and we had to use our imaginations.

I came up with this excuse for writing. The real thing is upstairs in a booklet of braille paper, with print transcriptions on the back of the pages so that my teachers could read it. On the front of it is what I assume is supposed to be a Moon – a circle of paper coloured in with dots of… Some gel pen I believe. Because I adore making a fool out of myself, I’ve read it to a few people to give them an idea of how bad I was. I copied it out into a document around a year ago and just for you – because I like showing my embarrassment to the wider world – I’ve put it here for you to laugh at.

Sarcastic or horrified commentary is in bold.

Moon Man That title cracks me up because it’s so clichΓ©

Before the moon was in the sky it was a man I don’t think I knew anything about science because that’s both impossible and just hilarious to imagine – the moon’s a lump of rock, child. Moon had two wives and two sons When is this set?? Also, was there jealousy between the two wives; what were their names and backstories? Character development – come on!. One day the two sons asked moon “Father can we go and catch some fish from the lake?” Perfectly in unison? That’s so cool! Wy are they asking Moon (inventive name) anyway? moon who is obviously too cool to have his name capitalised agreed and the two boys went off That was the shortest conversation ever and so totally gives an idea of what the characters are like!. The sons caucht That was either a severe error in my Braille or I just decided that “to cauch” was a great new verb some fish but instead of bringing the fish home they had a great feast and all that was left was bones. You selfish little bastards – children these days!

That evening the boys came home with no food. wOOOOH BEEF – I’m crying that was the worst pun “Where is the food!” cried moon man. Yeah – where is it, hmm? You gonna tell him you greedy- The two boys tried making up excuses but moon I’ve just realised how there can be no moon?? There would be no tides and also the Earth would be different – THIS IS ILLOGICAL soon knew what they had done. Moon had given the two boys a second chance. Bloody hell that was quick – show some backbone!

A few minutes later the sons were fishing peacefuly What’s NOT making me peaceful is my terrible spelling by the river. They caught more fish but again they had a briliant BRILLIANT spelling there feast of fish and bones were only left. Are you KIDDING ME? AGAIN? These little shits never learn I’m telling you; Moon gave you a second chance and what do you do? THROW IT AWAY!

I really think I need to calm down… This “story” is making me question my own plotting skills or lack thereof.

When moon man heard this he was brisling with anger Now children – Word Creation lessons with Elm! Take a word, modify it slightly and there you have it – a brand new word! Isn’t that simple?. Suddenly moon had a plan Like a typical 8-year-old, I doubt I knew what that plan was and I just chose to seem mysterious by not explaining it – it builds up suspense, okay?. The boys had gone out somewhere Soooo specific – I really am getting an idea of where they went!. Moon crept silently out of the house to find the boys. The suspense is growing… I can’t take it any more.

He found them by the river staring into space Are they robot-boys? Is everyone a robot – that’s why there’s no moon!. They were unaware of what was just about to happen. No actual shit

As quick as a flash Moon man jumped out from the shadows WOAH WOAH WOAH calm down!, like whirlwind Is that a friend of his?, grabbed the boys and crushed them into tiny bones. What the fuck. What the actual FUCK???? THEY ARE YOUR CHILDREN and they do something wrong – no, you’re not going to talk to them! You’re just going to kill them! WHAT
“Their just bones!” he growled. Wrong use of their you illiterate arse – also has he turned into a lion? But soon Moon’s two wives came out looking for their sons I wonder why “Where’s our sons?” they asked moon. Well, they’re dead. I overreacted and crushed them just because they didn’t bring back fish for me. Sorry.

When they got back to the house moon told them what he had done which was a mistake. Oh reeaaaallyyyy When moon went to bed the wives set the house on fire That’s understandable but still, a bit extreme? Did I like violence or something?. They burnt moon and were just about to run off when they heard moon’s voice saying But he’s dead? He got set on fire!: “You think I’m dead but I’m not! Wow. Just… Wow I will come back every month!” Erm why? Why every month? And so that’s how the moon is in the sky today. Because THAT makes perfect sense. Congratulations – you’ve won the award for most disjointed story!

That, kids, is the first evidence I had that I liked writing. Pity that this writing was, umm, terrible. I think at that point I genuinely wanted to be an astronaut…

From Elm πŸ™‚

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27 thoughts on “I Had a Wild Imagination – Writings of a Younger Elm, Number 3

  1. Wow. Just…wow. I’m so glad to say that your writing has improved by leaps and bounds (obviously) and wow. I’m sorry, no offence, but it’s just so funny. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ I definitely don’t want to even consider what my writing looked like when I was that young. *shudder*

  2. I literally laughed out loud at this. The beginning made some sort of sense and was pretty good but then your comments and the crazy plot twist. GAHH, I’m smiling of laughter . THEY BURNT THE FRICKING HOUSE? What the hell – HE KILIED THEM – i can’t even πŸ˜‚ πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ IπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ IπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ IπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ THAT makes perfect sense. Congratulations – you’ve won the award for most disjointed, funniest, what-the -hell- was- going- on- with -8 -year- old – elm. story!*presents award*

    This part killed me
    “Well, they’re dead. I overreacted and crushed them just because they didn’t bring back fish for me. Sorry.”

    • Oh god it kills me a little bit inside! I’m still cringing – why did I even write like that? The only part I like about this is my commentary πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

  3. Omg I nearly cried with laughter, this was so funny! The moon guy killed his kids because they didn’t bring him fish? Like what the actual heck? And the commentary was just brilliant πŸ˜€
    You’re not the only one who wrote weird stuff when you were young… I recently found a story I wrote when I was about seven about a woman who found a little girl in a plastic bag floating out at sea… the girl had been inside the bag since she was born, apparently? She survived all that time alone? Oh my gosh, I nearly died with embarrassment it was so terrible πŸ˜„

    • I bloody well need to read this! It sounds like the most beautiful thing – far more impressive than my… Story? Honestly I’m so so glad you liked this!

      • Beautiful? My story? Umm… I guess you could look at it that way??
        I actually wrote a mini-series with the same characters, I wrote them by hand and made mini “books” with drawings and stuff… I was SO proud of it at the time πŸ˜„ but the handwriting and spelling is just atrocious πŸ˜„

  4. Hahahah omG this is soo creative for someone so young, don’t be overly harsh to yourself hehe, only that yeah a bit scary for my taste hahaha. Thanks so much for posting ittt!!!

    • I’m so so glad you liked it! I tried my very, very best – or rather, I did at the time! I’m still cringing AAAAHHH! Also – I left a really long comment on your about page but I don’t think it went through. Or maybe it did but it didn’t say it was in moderation 😦 I will literally cry if I have to rewrite the entire thing again because it was like an essay

  5. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ I thought it was going to be like one of those fairytale legend things that probably have an official name other than “fairytale legend things” that I’m not remembering and then people died!!! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ Also, this is nothing compared to what I used to write… There’s a braille booklet somewhere that contains a story about a bunch of chickens trying to defend a farm from “bad birds.” We used to have chickens, and I guess my fourth grade self decided it would make a good story if they could talk and fight bad birds! πŸ˜‚

  6. ELM I’M DYING OH MY GOD OH MY GOD THIS IS HILARIOUS EVERY TIME I READ MOON MAN (ESPECIALLY BECAUSE IT ISN’T CAPITALISED) I CHOKED AND THE LOGIC AND THEN MOON MAN STRAIGHT UP KILLING HIS SONS?! OH MY GOD I’M DEAD (just like his sons – too soon?)

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