Feelings are Gross

I rather intensely dislike it when my brain decides to tell me, in no uncertain terms – “Heyy! There are these two people and you like them both but here’s the bad news – you like one more than the other but either will end in disaster! Let’s go and have a party to celebrate!”

After said brain freezes in shock for about a year because I haven’t had proper “feelings” for someone for ages, it then throws itself a pity party. That involves cynical laughter, creating lists as to why my feelings are a terrible idea and then eventually giving up and screaming in frustration. I’m surprised I haven’t imploded yet.

Here is my predicament. Because of people who know the people reading my blog, I can’t mention specifics. Let’s call them person 1 and 2, just to be original.

Upon realising that I had actual, un-pretend but otherwise stupid feelings for person 1, I may or may not have freaked out. This person doesn’t go to my school – which is important when we get to person 2 but shhh – and we know each other kind of well? There are a few bits of our personalities which really don’t fit together and which we don’t understand but still, the person makes me happy and I don’t have to pretend around them. Having feelings is so… Weird, now.

This is all great. The only problem is that feelings for this person would result in absolute disaster or decimation of my entire personality. Hello yes, I’m being dramatic because I’m a self-professed drama queen but I know that if anybody found out the person who I’m talking about – including 1 themselves – the following may happen:
1. They would laugh until they had tears rolling down their face because it seems so ridiculous
2. My friends would try and convince me that they “fancied” me which would raise my hopes, making it even worse when I realised that they don’t. At all.
3. Being in a relationship with them would just be… No.
4. I’m a clingy child and if I made this “real” by telling loads of people, I’d become worse
5. My feelings for them are relatively solid and that scares me shitless
6. Living in the moment only works when there’s an actual moment to live in, as opposed to a dream

Person 2 has existed in my “like” capacity (that’s apparently a thing now) since the start of this school year. I suppose, actually, it’s ever since I’ve known them – there’s something about them that makes me want to know so much about them. It’s similar to person 1 but with person 2, I really don’t know a lot about their personality, only the superficial things. They go to my school, though, and so it would be easy to find out. They also take me seriously and usually I don’t have to try around them.

On the surface, that’s much more positive than with person 1 and I know it. However, I know that my feelings for 2 are shallower than for 1: 2 hasn’t known me for long enough to understand certain parts of who I am; we’ve never shared a truly deep conversation; I’ve never met up with them outside school whereas with 1, I would never meet them in school.

I know that I can and should put effort in and let 2 understand me more – “let them in, to use a cheesy and clichΓ© phrase – but I don’t know if I’m up for that. I’m too exhausted and worried and paranoid; before, when I thought I had feelings for 2, I realised it was a rebound and me just shoving feelings onto them. I have a horrible feeling that this is the same.

Only time will tell what will happen: maybe I will get closer with 2 and meet up with them on weekends, actually getting to know them. I don’t want to forget 1 or drift away from them though because 1 has always meant more to me than 2. I know that friends fade, feelings dim and people grow apart but seeming as I’ve only realised I had feelings for 1 recently, I want to wait and see how they grow. There’s also 2 to contend with though and my mind isn’t up for juggling another set of worries. Bloody, bloody hell.

Why does my brain like to cavort around with love triangles? It would be funny if my brain weren’t so confused. I’ll just see where life takes me – and try not to panic.

Do you have this a lot – do you feel indecisive about your feelings?

From Elm πŸ™‚

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35 thoughts on “Feelings are Gross

  1. Oh no, it looks like you’re in a bit of a sticky situationπŸ˜• I wish I had some advice, but I’m clueless myself, with literally no relationship experience whatsoever! In a odd, stupid way the dumb part of me wishes I was in your position. I never like anyone, and nobody likes me, and I’d love to experience what you are experiencing…I hope that made sense, I’m just gonna make an exitπŸ™ƒ

  2. Why do your blog posts always relate to something I’m goinh through? (Or maybe I’m just beinh self centred.) But I legit sent you a dm on twitter asking for some advice, because I couldnt post about it on here, because the person knows about my blog

  3. I feel indecisive about my feelings a lot, I mean, who doesn’t? I’ve never been in a relationship so any help I give you would be useless, but with crushes sometimes I don’t know how I feel about them, I don’t even know exactly when I start liking them. Life is crazay, isn’t it!!! πŸ˜„

  4. well I’m completely clueless as well to be honest, but maybe try and get a little closer to person 2? Mmm, and just stick around 1 and see what happens. Good luck small chilli ❀

  5. Ah crap! Just keep going and you’ll soon make sense of it hopefully. Eh this sucks. Anyways, happy Easter and I hope you eat until these feelings of confusion go away πŸ™‚ xx

  6. Here’s my two cents: you’re young and you’re experiencing deep connections. Sometimes it can feel like the almighty “lurve” and you’re just so overwhelmed. Your heart races and you think about how awesome it is to be around them. Yes. Those are great feelings.
    Explore both. See how they progress. Sometimes we may “crush” on someone bc of intimate conversations. Let 2 get to know you in increments. If something happens with either, go with it. Flirt in your “Elm” way.
    I’ve been there. I used to crush hard. Especially when it felt like someone knew me. Sometimes it went nowhere. But my favorite memory is of me and my old boyfriend (may he Rest In Peace) lying on a couch watching tv, and the next thing I knew, he had his arm around my shoulder. And that’s when I knew. And it went from G to PG13 pretty quick.
    So I’m wishing you luck. It’ll all work out…because you’re Elm and you rock. πŸ˜ŠπŸ˜‰

    • I’ll have to agree – or make myself agree! Aww, that memory sounds so lovely. I just… I’m very confused but I’ll do what you suggested because it’s logical. Thanks so much! And yes, my “Elm” way of flirting is hilarious πŸ˜€ xx

  7. Aww, I’m sorry you’re going through this! I’ve never had this before (I’ve pretty much liked one or two guys, like, ever…) but I really hope you figure it all out! I’m not gonna say listen to your gut or your heart or whatever, because that really isn’t helpful when you’re dealing with feelings. πŸ˜„

  8. Why not make person 1 and 2 fight to the death and whoever wins also wins your affections and you get to know them without worrying about ‘drifiting away’ from the other person? πŸ™‚

  9. To be completely honest, I’m clueless in the boyfriend department but I do know that feelings are amazing. The crazy ones, the sad ones, the irrational ones, etc. I think that you should explore both relationships and you shouldn’t let other peoples feelings get in the way. If you like person 1, go for it. If they don’t like you back, then they never did deserve you. Hopefully all goes well and your confusing cloud of feelings clear up πŸ˜‰ xx

    • EEEEKKKK I HOPE they do! With Person 1, I care about them so much and I don’t want to hurt them. With 2, I like them but not as much as person 1. UGH why does confusion exist?! But honestly thank you for your advice!! xx

  10. I call for a duel, joking, honestly I think you should think about what will be more beneficial for the wonderful happy Elm. What would be good for her, if you don’t know yet, find out. Life is for living x but a duel is a good idea too

  11. Feelings are gross, indeed 😁 Having absolutely no relationship experience whatsoever and never having had a crush on anyone that’s not a fictional character, I can’t really give you any good advice, other than, hmm… Do what you think is right? Follow your gut! … Wow, I suck at giving advice, don’t I? πŸ˜†
    IndigoSky x

      • Fictional characters ARE the best, they’re so much better than real people seriously? πŸ˜„ To be honest, I don’t really have “crushes” on them, I just sometimes get really obsessed with a particular character and I’d really like to meet them because I think they’re awesome πŸ˜€ I guess every bookworm feels like that sometimes! πŸ™‚

      • Well, I read the “Legend” trilogy by Marie Lu a while ago, which I thought was really good. And I’m about to start reading the third book in “The Mortal Instruments” series which I’m also really enjoying πŸ™‚ what about you?
        For some reason it doesn’t let me reply to your last comment? :/

      • Ooh that’s weird! I love loads of series’ but I haven’t read those two yet, even though I’ve wanted to for so long. I love The 5th Wave trilogy, The Worldwalker Trilogy and so many more!O

  12. You know, this was really interesting for me to read. Especially because still I’ve never liked anyone! I’m sure feelings do suck as you say and ah *send positive vibes*

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