We Aren’t Weak for Breaking

I’m not sure why, on Saturday when I got home from dropping my friend off at the station, I walked up to the room we stayed in and burst into tears.

Or… Perhaps I do know but I just don’t want to admit it. Perhaps I don’t want to admit that the house felt too empty, that I missed having someone there to talk to – that I was so fucking lonely again. The sheer feeling of sadness I felt, where the next few days stretched in front of me with nothing happening that would brighten me, made the tears fall like they hardly ever do when I’m by myself. I hated it, tried to get rid of the thought that nothing was worth anything, that I wasn’t worth anything but the more I ignored it, the more it grew.

It was a feeling which made everything hollow; I lay down, sobbing and shaking until I could barely think clearly. I spoke to myself, telling myself what was real and what wasn’t, that I felt panicked. All of the pent up emotions I’d had the past week, which I hadn’t let myself release, suddenly came pouring out in 5 minutes’ worth of tears.

Then, I got up, washed my face, grabbed the duvet and pillow and brought them downstairs. I let myself go blank, only feeling cold rushes of despair and sadness at varying intervals. Those spanned from then until now: I’m terrified right now, lonely, but I’m also forcing myself to be numb. I shouldn’t do that.

When you feel an overload of emotion, one of the most harmful things you can do is to ignore it, push it aside or try to remove it. It can make things worse: if you don’t learn how to cope or not cope with those emotions, the next time they come around they’ll affect you worse. This applies to people, like me, who don’t understand how to register emotions or who can’t deal with them when they creep up on you unexpectedly. With Saturday, I was so shocked at my worsening state; as I went through London with my dad, I could feel things getting more and more blurred in my head. However, I was surprised: in no way did I expect to just walk up to that room, feel the stinging pressure behind my eyes and cry, when I realised that I had no idea what to do now. I pushed that aside. I tried not to acknowledge it because being hopeless or sad constantly drains me to the point where I don’t want to move. Maybe I should have let those emotions wash over me.

I understand how difficult it is to feel vulnerable or to let yourself break. It’s shit; you feel everything is shivering and it all recedes into a fog. However, it’s important to process and truly tell yourself that these feelings are natural and that you aren’t weak. The biggest problem I have with crying or showing any form of sadness to the quiet of an empty room or my mind is that I tell myself I’m pathetic. I’m not. It’s just me proving to myself I’m not okay because when there’s no one there to bring out the tears but they still fall, you can’t say to yourself that you’re being attention-seeking or that you’re making it up.

The first step is showing yourself that you don’t feel well. That’s difficult enough and it might take you a long time but as soon as you’ve done that, you can look at ways to help yourself. People may say immediately to seek support but if you don’t have a small idea of what’s up, talking to someone about it might panic you more. I know it certainly will me but it’s okay because I’m taking tiny steps to figure things out.

You are strong but it’s fine to not be sometimes. You aren’t some attention-seeker; if you want to cry alone or to cry whilst with someone, you do what you want. As long as you remember that showing others, or yourself, how you feel is okay.

I’ve known I feel unwell for a while but I’m ringing the counselling service today because I don’t think I can take feeling so unhappy and lonely all the time. I have no idea how to work through it; I’ve tried enough in both healthy and unhealthy ways. The next step for me is to get external support. If it’s the next step for you too, even if you’re afraid, you know – if you’re seeking it – that you need the help. If you’ve had moments like I have, where your raw thoughts and fears are displayed to you with unwavering proof, don’t doubt yourself or say to yourself that “it’s just a phase”.

If you want to talk to me about anything, my email’s always open – you can email me at elmblog2403@gmail.com. I’ll always be here, regardless of my own mental state, because being here for others is something I love doing. There are no exceptions to that so if you ever need me, don’t be scared to ask.

Love from Elm πŸ™‚

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56 thoughts on “We Aren’t Weak for Breaking

  1. Awwww…ur so sweet trying to help people even though you’re feeling your worst ❀that just shows how strong you are and I think you’re amazing xxx

  2. I cried a little while reading this. I felt every detail you wrote. Your words are so meaningful. Hope your mental state gets better. Love you Elm !

  3. I know there’s very little I can say to make you feel better but just know that even though we can’t all be there in person,your followers and online friends are here if you need us. You’re seem like such a lovely person and I really hope your mental state improves xxx

  4. Mental melt downs like this are partly the reason I forbid myself to cry. I know it isn’t the best way to treat myself but right now I couldn’t handle the amount of despair that would break into my mind if I lost control over it. I think, however, that crying is good and at some point necessary. After all, the storm always goes away.

    • Tears can be healing. Did you know that tears have been tested and the ones from happy moments have a different chemistry than from sad tears. Why not get rid of that toxic crap and cry your heart out until you feel better or until the sadness is drained away, Just my two cents worth. Honor your feeling and if you need to cry then cry,

      • And I really liked it! I think that crying can help you so so much, especially when you need to release a whole lot of pent up emotions.

  5. What I tend to do under simular circumstances is honor my grief then fill the hole with something. I am a quilter and always have something unfinished, or pick up a book I am reading or want to begin. I also can start taking notes on my nest blog. Sadness takes up empty space. Fill that space with something that makes you smile. At least these are things I try to fill the empty shell. You could even write about your visit and make it imortal. Just a thought.

    • Thank you so much for that πŸ™‚ I’m glad that you find ways to fill the space; I think I need to start doing that more. I have my blog here and I want to begin using it as an outlet a little more but I’m afraid will get tired of reading the posts I write about it. However, it is my blog and if I want to write, I’ll write πŸ™‚ I did post about the visit with my friend which was amazing!

      • Do you thing and the hell with the world. I stopped trying to please people and was of the best moved I ever made. Live to make yourself happy after all the only person you have control over is yourself. And get rid of toxic people. I would rather be alone than waste my energy on jerks or worse. Being selfish is healthy when you are around peole who do not support you. And if you want to write about something that is very perosnal and are uncomfortable about it write in the third person like….A friend shared this with me……. You can still get the message out but will avoid anyone thinking it is you. I have done it and it was fun. If read my blog about friendship…An accidental encounter showed me a glimpse fo a steller friendship….most of it was about me or my thoughts on societyl It was a blast to do. i Wrote it June 18 on ahuelon.wordpress.com. You can really let your hair down doing 3rd person writing. I even did on on how a 7 year old felt about his live. Now that is nuts to say the least but again it was fun, We get in ruts and I call them shallow graves. Pull you boots on and start kicking ass.

  6. I used to never cry but recently I’ve been crying a lot more; I’m not really sure why. I’m sorry you feel like this. I kinda feel quite bad myself and I know the reasons why but no one else does. So when I just have a meltdown, my mum yells at me for it, but I kinda need it and she doesn’t let me have it; that might be why I’ve been crying more, because I’m not allowed to? Idk. I really hope you’re doing okay, we’re always here πŸ™‚

  7. You`re so right, Elm. We`re not weak for breaking and you`re not weak for breaking. We`re only humans and it`s completely okay to not always be okay. As long as you do get up and do something for the sake of your own happiness. β™₯β™₯

  8. It’s alright to let the emotions overwhelm you. Don’t know if it’s true, but the breakdowns you try to hide might pilling up, and at any time you feel like nothing, everything you have been keeping inside is going to flood you out. I have cried a couple of times this summer about what might seem not very important, but I just needed to let it out. The tear punctums were not made for nothing πŸ˜‰

  9. Know that you are not alone, you have followers who you talk to and friends if you ever feel like you need someone to talk to my email is on my blog. It makes me so happy when people reach out there’s nothing wrong with talk to someone even if it isn’t about what’s wrong.

  10. You are so strong and definitely not weak especially by sharing this with everyone in the blogging community and not being afraid to do so. I really admire your honesty and your kindness too for wanting to help others. We’re all here for you. I hope that ringing the counselling service helps and that you get an appointment soon. I recently made the decision to start counselling now that I’ve left school so you are definitely not alone in trying it. 😊

    • And I’m really proud of you for doing that!! Thank you πŸ™‚ I rang them but they’re closed until the end of August so I have to wait because I’ll be going on holiday at the end of August 😦

      • Thank you, I appreciate that. Aw no, that’s really unfair that they’re closed all that time. Is there any other counselling places you can try?, don’t give up yet ☺ Well you know you can email or DM me if you want a chat at any time. ☺

      • Of course and same to you!! I don’t know 😦 I get back from holiday on the 24th and then I’m staying with a friend until the 28th and so I can only do counselling in September. Ahh! 😦 xx

  11. I think the feeling of breaking or being broken is a red flag that lets us know we need to re-think or re evaluate or possible take a differnt path or way of thinking. I sincerely think it is a wake up call aand or great lessons in the wings that can be learned. I know for be I sometimes have to be flat on my back to recieve the truth or hear the message I need to hear…and believe at 77 I have been flat on my back being forced to listen and learn lots of times. It is part of our journey. Also look for patterns. Has it happend a lot or often? Another flag. Learn and move on is my mantra for my life.

  12. Elm honestly, I admire your courage and bravery for opening up so muchπŸ’˜I feel like this too sometimes, after very happy times I get overwhelmed by my emotions and feel depressed. Sometimes I find keeping busy helps quite a bit, I’m glad you are going to get help. I’m always here for you as you have been for me, love Larissa πŸ’ŸπŸ’Ÿ

  13. One of the things I LOVE about your posts, is the way they make me feel not-so-alone. You’re awesome. ❀ I’m having this huge fight with my best friend which doesn’t happen AT ALL, but she told me today that I won’t have anyone at all if I keep cutting out people. I felt like hell and you just lighted me up. Ilyyy. ❀
    Xxx

    • How dare she treat you like that 😦 I’m always around to help whenever you need it! And you will NEVER have no one if I have anything to say about it! xx

      • Thankss a million ❀ And yeah, its almost like a war right now, but I dont care.
        And gosh, that’s one of the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard. Thank You you so much! ❀❀
        Xxx

  14. I can’t believe how much your words speak to me. You describe so well the way I feel at the moment. I am so sorry you are feeling this way as I know how horrible and gut wrenching it is. I think it is amazing that you have shared your feeling through your words as not only will it help others who feel the same, it can be a good way for you to come to terms with it. Sending so much love and light ❀

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