If You Weren’t You

If you were a song, you’d be the one played with violins which echoes around a hall, simply because you don’t believe yourself to be and it would annoy you. You underestimate the power of your own melody: you’d be a bowstring, taught like an archer’s weapon but capable of making the sweetest music, if you would let yourself. You’d be played at the parties of those you hated just to prove a point and I’d laugh, then wonder why I was still listening.

If you were a dance, I’d learn the steps even if I couldn’t dance them: it would be difficult but I’d be willing to try. You’d be the steps to a wedding – the last song they play – because you’d find that strangely ironic. I’d still dance it, the last one standing – or maybe there would be a queue of people in front of me. They could all dance it better but I would still learn as much as I could.

If you were a painting, I wouldn’t be able to see you but I’d have those that could understand describe it to me. Not being able to see you would always set me at a disadvantage because again, it would be another mystery to me, more than you are now. It’s an idea out of reach, a few brushstrokes beyond my comprehension.

If you were a story, I’d be at the point where the plot thickens, never knowing what will happen. Your beginning, middle and end would be filled with plot twists and amazing revelations so that I could never keep up. I’d still read your story or try, no matter if I was discouraged. Complexity never stopped me before but I don’t – I won’t – understand you unless the words, the ideas, become clear to me.

If you were a thought, I wouldn’t feel guilty for thinking about you; I’d embrace it. You’d be that stolen smile at the end of the day, where I wouldn’t feel bad for hoping despite the hopelessness.

Pity that you aren’t.

You’re none of these; you’re just you. You’re neither poetic nor something to be admired: you’re almost like me. I don’t know how to feel about that.

From Elm πŸ™‚

Two Years of Being Elm

If you’d have told me two years ago, after I wrote potentially the worst first post ever (did I think I was being cool or something?) that I’d still be sticking with blogging two years later, I would have blinked in confusion and burst out laughing. Really, it astounds me how I’ve kept up with this whole thing: maybe some (failed) breaks and breakdowns but I’m still here.

So many things about my life have changed: I’ve come to conclusions about my personality that I don’t like; I’ve gone through four relationship-type things (bloody hell); I’ve cried more times than I can count; I’ve screwed up majorly but also been the happiest I’ve ever been. Through all this, I’ve had this blog: maybe I couldn’t talk about a few things but my blog’s been a stable thing in my life when everything was spinning around me. Constantly there, it and the people I’ve met have been the things that have kept me going.

To me, my blog’s a way to be myself. It’s not just a bunch of posts, comments or pages; it’s a way to hold myself together. When I think about it, it’s one of the only things that I’ve properly kept to: it symbolises my dedication or the threads of it. I can’t bloody believe that I’m still here after so many have left, that my blog hasn’t decreased in meaning for me (quite the opposite).

I know I say this a lot but I can’t thank you enough. Thanks for sticking it out through my posts: I know there are certain types of posts, like positive ones or situations that have happened to me that you guys like more, but I’ll still be posting how I usually do. The reason I love this place so much is because I don’t restrict myself or hide behind another thing’s shadow; I’m as genuine as I can be and I take pride in that.

I didn’t want to just be like “Sup bitches, been around for two years and LOOK AT ME NOW!” because honestly, this is nothing special. It’s just me, sentimenal as ever, marking the anniversary of something that pretty much means the world to me. Maybe it won’t to other people but I’ve remained true to my blog, to myself on here and even when I couldn’t say the full story, I could get my emotions out.

I’ve got this far. I’ve met so many amazing people, met bloggers, fallen in and out of love and held the hands of people that have hurt me. If I’ve already done so much, who’s to say I can’t keep going? Who’s to say that in a year I won’t have met more bloggers, gained feelings for someone which β€²I truly want – how do I know what’s going to happen?

I’m going to carry on because blogging’s now more important to me than anything I’ve ever done. Not much could get me to suddenly leave or say, “This was nice but bye!”

Thanks for 2 years; your support has shown me that people do care and that I’m not going to be dropped in the middle of an ocean on my own. Through my bad mental health and awful feelings, various people have been there that I needed; how the hell could I have got through everything without you?

I doo’t understand, still, why people follow me – I’ve almost got 2500 of them. How did that happen? I genuinely never set out to be some kind of ‘known’ person but for some reason, people know my name and people respect my words. Why? What is it about me that lets people read my stuff – in whatever capacity? I hope you know how much that means to me because it makes me feel so appreciated. Ugh, I sound so arrogant; I’m just surprised I guess.

I love you all. Here’s to more years to come of laughter, tears and too many strange situations to think about. Honestly, I can’t wait.

I’ve been Elm for 2 years but I sulpose the “Elm” part of my identity was always there. It just took this blog for it to surface, after the two other “blogs” I had. I grew into the Elm you have now because of this. I’d safely say: being Elm makes me so, so happy.

Love from Elm πŸ™‚

Sceptical Love

Yesterday, a friend told me that ever since October – AKA ever since this whole thing happened – I’ve started to make more sensible decisions. After thinking back over the stupid shit I’ve done recently that people don’t know about, I disagreed but then realised that in a way, it’s true. I’ve done things that screw with people’s feelings and make me less confused but in the process, I’ve become almost cynnical to the idea of love.

Funny that – how decisions that were supposed to bring my mind back to a restful state have in fact clouded my mind to the very thing that I hoped would return to me. That’s the magical aspect of love – that leaping feeling you get in your heart, the smiles and the lack of worry.

My reaction to being cheated on was quite out of the ordinary, now that I think about it. I wasn’t angry; I didn’t shout; you’d expect me to hate them both and to never want to speak to them again. In fact, my reaction was so opposite to that that I now don’t really know how to react angrily to much. I’ve become a little numb to everything but the other option was to be filled with unfair anger that wasn’t deserved; I prefer this.

However, it did affect my self-worth. I’d say it affected my view of relationships – the stuff that happened after more so, but it contributed to it. I can no longer think of being in a relationship without being intensely paranoid; physical experiences or the idea of them make me feel anxious but still, I’m so lonely sometimes I could cry. It has made me do a lot of things I shouldn’t have done because I thought that it was the right thing to do: have I always been like this? Was Jasmine just a way for me to feel something?

Occasionally, I wish I’d never done some of the stuff I did but then I remember that lessons were learnt by doing that and that it’s okay to utterly screw up sometimes. I’ve become almost disconnected from it; it’s got to the point where when people call me a slut as a joke, I wholeheartedly agree with them and then question who I am. Was I really that stupid or was it alright to do everything? Fuck, I wish I could talk about it but I can’t and it breaks me: is not being able to talk to you guys the reason why my view of love’s become a bit… Warped?

Whenever anyone tells me that I’d be a good girlfriend, that I’m loyal or that I can love well, I laugh inside my head. I no longer trust relationships or I don’t trust people not to hurt me, to cheat on me, to find me too high-maintenance or to just get pissed off or bored of me. I think myself so uninteresting, so unappealing physically and emotionally that when I imagine anyone wanting to be with me or being attracted to me, it’s so alien that it makes me scoff.

It’s not anger that I feel. Rather, it’s an utter lack of faith in falling in love; it’s the piece short of a puzzle that would make me truly happy in a relationship. After the “October incident”, I was so miserable that I closed myself off to the idea of loving anyone and having them love me in return; I had no idea what to do with feelings that crept up on me. As a result, I threw them away and panicked so viciously that I both broke myself and someone else. That should give you an idea of just how little I believe in myself.

I’m being honest with you – or as honest as I can be – because I haven’t been. I haven’t had a true crush since July; anything after that was ruined by paranoia and a need to prove to myself that I was fine when I so obviously wasn’t. Now that I think I have feelings for someone, I’m trying to smash them down because it would only screw me over. My view is that it’s not worth getting hurt; nobody would be interested in me so what’s the point in trying; any feelings I’ve had recently have been tinged with pain and I feel like I’m running on a road to nowhere and the road isn’t even really a road – it’s more of a shitty kind of track. I know that’s all wrong but what else can I feel?

I got so unblinded to love that I now don’t know how to see it for the beautiful thing it can be. I know that relationships, that crushes can be great but to me, it’s all dark, terrifying and I’d always think about the ending. I miss the carefree part of it – like with S the first time or even the time when I first realised I was in love with Ash.

Let’s see where I go from here. Maybe I’ll have that back again: maybe the person I have in mind will be the person who lets me feel that unfiltered happiness. I know that worries can be good but mine would be so huge that I wouldn’t be able to see the positives: I’m naturally wary of my feelings now. I don’t know if they’re real, if I deserve to have them or if they will ever amount to anything (doubtful). I also feel guilty at the idea of falling in love because I miss the love I had, though I can’t hold onto it.

I’m cynical, sad and suspicious of love but that doesn’t mean I’m not worthy of it. I will be one day but I think I’d have to jump over a thousand hurdles before I get to them. I sincerely doubt anyone would be willing to be with me along that journey and wait for me at the end.

How do you feel towards love?

From Elm πŸ™‚

The Uniquely Me Tag!

Hi!

Often, I feel like people – including me – push themselves into the background and simply don’t let themselves be heard. It can be because they feel afraid or simply because they forget that they can speak up about themselves and that they aren’t like other people.

After yet another of my personality crises in which I tried to convince myself that I had nothing in the way of interesting things about me – that I was a sheep, always following the crowd – I had enough. An idea for a tag, both for me and all of you, sprang into my mind with such ferocity that I had to pause for a second to check that I was alright because usually, I don’t have these “I’ve HAD A GOOD IDEA I’m ORIGINAL!” moments. That’s another reason why I created this tag and after much deliberation – involving asking about 5 people for their feedback and getting people to vote on the name – I came up with the Uniquely Me Tag.

To make this all official-looking, I’m going to write out some rules, do the tag, nominations and so forth and have a little more of an explanation at the end. I’m doing this too, to remind myself of my qualities.

The Rules

1. Thank the person that nominated you for this tag and link to their blog (spread the love, basically).
2. Write as many things that are unique to you as possible: these can be things that you do, say, like or have that make you different to other people or let you stand out. It can be what defines you as a person, a little thing about you that is just simply you or something little known that you think makes you up as a person.
3. Nominate up to 10 bloggers or as many as you like; there isn’t a limit.
4. You can take this tag as seriously or non-seriously as you like; you can laugh whilst doing it or feel contemplative: this is about you, after all.
5. After you’ve written this and if you ever feel like there’s nothing to you but what other people have already said and done, look back to your post and remember that it isn’t true.

DISCLAIMER: If a tag like this already exists, I’m sorry for accidentally copying your idea; if you know if there is a tag similar to this then do let me know and link me to the creator so that I can give credit where credit is due.

Unique Things about Me

β€’ When I laugh too hard, I end up screeching or making this high-pitched sound that kind of makes me sound like a mouse
β€’ When I’m around tall people, I try to act as tall as possible (this can include standing on tiptoes, purposefully standing on a higher step or bit of an escalator or just pretending to exude tallness)
β€’ I have an old coin collection that belonged to my grandfather and various other people which I adore taking out and feeling the different shapes of shillings, pennies and everything in between
β€’ I like to find voice recordings from the very early years of sound technology, like the 1890s, because it fascinates me to listen to those little bits of history
β€’ In the room I have at my dad’s house, I have a shelf which has a bunch of ornaments and interesting things on it that I got from my grandma, some beaches and little things that have been given to me; I scattered them on the shelf in no particular order and that’s the only thing in my room that’s like that
β€’ As a joke, I’ve taken to saying “AWWW whinge whinge cry cry!” in the most baby-like, patronising voice ever whenever something mildly unfortunate happens to either my friends and I and it’s got to the point where other people have started saying it (I’m so proud)
β€’ I’m able to comfortably cringe at my younger self and almost own how embarrassing I was
β€’ All of my accents are terrible and I spontaneously break out into little phrases that are meant to sound like they’re one accent but end up sounding completely different
β€’ I make such a joke about me being single and wanting to stay that way that blogging friends of mine have come up with the hashtag #Forelmveralone and I say that all the time now
β€’ I have a tendency to advise people on their lives, so much so people give me the nickname of Grandma Elm sometimes
β€’ I absolutely bloody love the Eurovision Song Contest and I’m unapologetic about it
β€’ When I’m experiencing high emotion, I talk to myself so that it feels real
β€’ I sometimes stand in the dark and think about space, the universe and existence

My Nominations

These are all bloggers I love and want to talk to more because their personalities are amazing:
1. Ash
2. White Bear Online
3. Girl Masked
4. Kirithika
5. Infinity
6. Jasmine
7. Misstery
8. Bloggingsunsets
9. Life in a Blogshell
10. Tash
11. All the Jazz
Anyone else who wants to do it can! Don’t hold yourself back if you haven’t been nominated: you’re still just as unique as ever.

This is a way to celebrate you as a person, as an individual, taking into account all of the qualities that make you different. Being different is what gets me through life, anyhow. You aren’t boring, dull or uninteresting: there are plenty of things that only you will do in a certain way. Embrace it!

From Elm πŸ™‚

That Moment When a Blogger Goes to your School

I’ve always said, “Haha, wouldn’t it be funny if a blogger went to my school? That’d be so weird and hilarious!”

Never did I imagine that this wild prediction – this thing that I’d jokingly talked about, laughed about even, would happen. It’s one thing to think about it – like an idle curiosity, something you think could happen but never would, right? It’s another thing for it to truly happen, not just in your overactive mind.

On this post, you can find a rather lengthy comment chain – one of the longest I’ve ever had – between me and Llowestcommonmultiple. It started off normally enough: she said that she also had a Charity Week this week and that it was called RAG week. I raised both eyebrows (I physically can’t raise one – it’s sad), at that because our charity week is also called RAG week. Hmm, I thought – it’s got to be a coincidence; there’s no bloody way it’s the same one because RAG week must be a thing in other schools.

I come home on the first day and reply to our comment chain, asking her how her first day was. She told me the theme – superheroes vs. supervillains – and spoke about a girl who had dressed up in a costume with soup labels attached to her and called herself “souperwoman.” At this, I freaked out and messaged a rather crazed reply with about 8 question marks and many capital letters because I realised: she went to my FUCKING SCHOOL.

Now see, the “souperwoman” girl used to be in my form for 5 years and was one of the first friends I ever made at my school. We’re not close at all now but I think she’s great, inventive and funny. It was only by chance that I’d been told about the costume by a staff member – and for that to be the costume that this blogger talked about was just such a coincidence that it shocked me. It was almost by chance that we found out and realised: I was still screaming and freaking out, shouting “OH MY GOD!” at various intervals whilst on Skype with Lu and just generally being unable to process what had happened.

I knew that she was going to be looking out for me – if you don’t know, I’m blind and so wouldn’t be able to see her or know who she was. On Tuesday, I asked my friend Pine if she knew her – I won’t say her name because of anonymity – and it turns out that yes, she did. Upon asking me why, I blurted out something awkward like “Ermmm, no reason! I’d just heard of her and… Yeah… I was curious?” I never said I was a smooth talker. I told Wren about it – the head girl who’s also basically my best friend – and screaming commenced out of excitement; I also told Swan and for the last two days as we’ve wandered around outside I’ve kept suddenly stopping and going “WHAT, I still can’t believe the blogger thing!” I don’t know why I get so excited over this…

Yesterday, I wore a Dryad costume because I wanted to emulate the tree spirit for the irony (nobody understood my weird smile when they asked what I was). As I was exiting the unit for VI (visually impaired) people to go to my lesson, I took a few steps and then heard a voice say, quietly, “Elm!”

Nobody ever, ever calls me that and so that’s why we had agreed for it to be the thing that identified her to me. Because I’m not used to hearing that name said aloud, especially by someone at school, it took me a second to react. My response? “OHH! Hey! Ahh I wasn’t expecting that to happen!” *laughs slightly manically)* See what I mean?

To have a blogger – especially one who found me by chance, who I’d spoken to before and who knows people that I know – going to my school is amazing. It’s incredible that out of all the schools in the country, she goes to mine – the very fact that someone who understands blogging like I do goes to the place I go to every school day – is mind-blowing. What are the odds? If I hadn’t been told about the costume, if I hadn’t replied to her comment in the way I did, if she just hadn’t found my blog – none of this would have happened. It freaks me out.

This opens up so many opportunities for me. Now I’m paranoid that there are more bloggers in my school, that someone I speak to knows my face (I kind of stick out because blind) and it’s just… Weird but also wonderful. This connects me both to blogging and real life – the thing I love connecting me to the real world in such a way makes things feel more exciting and tangible.

I still can’t believe this happened. For some strange reason, people know me in the blogging world and people also know me in real life; people see me around school and so anyone with a blog could walk by me and I wouldn’t know.

All I can say is that the greatest things come out of the chancest of encounters. After almost 2 years, it’s amazing for me to experience this: I never thought that the idea I once thought laughable and so far away is actually much more in reach than I knew.

Have you ever had this kind of experience?

Check out llowestcommonmultiple’s blog by the way; it’s great! I’ve spent a while reading over her posts and I love them.

From Elm πŸ™‚

I Can be A Horrible Person

Over the last 2 weeks, I’ve fucked up totally, upset multiple people and most likely ruined two of the best friendships I’ve ever had. I want to put that out there first without any sugar-coating.

Up until too recently than I’m comfortable with, when I used to spectacularly screw up, I denied it: I locked myself into a loop of violently blaming myself but actually refused to admit I’d done wrong or to think about it. It’s a flaw that I was aware of but not enough; I’ve come to the realisation that I need to really think about who I want to be. The former I still have but the latter? I’m thinking about what I’ve done. I’m owning up to it; I almost want people to know what a shit person I’ve been so that they don’t have any illusions about me. Will it make people respect me less? Most likely. Do I care? Absolutely but if I fuck up, I have to face the consequences.’

I won’t justify what I did because I don’t deserve it: I won’t go into detail but I neglected friends and exchanged lasting things for things that may be fleeting.

Things have got complicated inside my head. It’s a twist of confusion, strange feelings and attempting to balance my happiness with making other people happy. It’s selfishness versus selflessness and I don’t know what to do; I feel cold, angry with myself but mostly so, so guilty.

I never mean to hurt people. It’s always that something happens, it runs away with me; I panic, start to tell people different things, get so paranoid that I can’t think and then everything goes to hell. If I had just talked to people about things, then the situations wouldn’t have happened but if those hadn’t had happened, I wouldn’t learn. I wouldn’t have come to some realisations about my feelings that are scary but that I have to think about. However, there’s no excuse to upset people even if I had no idea what I was doing or if I thought that people knew things they didn’t know: I should have been more aware, but ‘should have’ didn’t happen and all I can do is just own up to it and face up to what I did.

Unlike this morning, I don’t feel violent with myself. Earlier I wanted to smash everything, to hurt my body like I’d hurt other people’s minds and to just teach myself a lesson. At some points, I have to put my hands behind my back to remind myself that I’m still here and that causing myself to hurt more than I already do would solve nothing. I stayed up for a long time last night thinking, the vicious anger crawling up my spine as I remembered how unfair it was of me to treat people terribly.

Now, I have to think carefully about where I go from here. It’s no longer just my feelings: other people are involved and how I act, how I think and who I trust will shape the current friendships I have. It’s terrifying but all I know is that I want people to be happy. All I want is for no one to get hurt and for everyone to communicate properly so that there is no more backstabbing, no more lies, no more secrets and fears and worries. I won’t get that – especially from myself – and I know that, but I’ll try. I’ll do my bloody best to try.

This isn’t me asking for pity, or for you to tell me that I didn’t mess up or make people angry. I know I did and I’ll freely admit that; I feel absolutely atrocious about it. Even if no one believes me, I’ll say it here so it’s here forever; I’ll say it because it’s one of the things I know.

I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry for hurting people; I’m sorry for lying; I’m sorry that I wasn’t honest about how I felt. I’m sorry that I can be a god-awful friend and that I avoid my problems, that I could have prevented the situations that are now making me feel this way because I was too worried that everyone would hate me. I’m sorry I was just never there like I should have been and that I try to fix things but make it worse.

I want to become a better person. I want to be happy. Most of all, though, I want you all to understand that I’m human, I do stupid things and make bad decisions. I’m admitting that, though.

Don’t beat yourself up for doing something bad like I’m doing now. Just remember – like I should – that when you explain a situation to someone, make sure you think about both sides or however many there are. Don’t make people turn against one another because you’ve only talked about one side, shown one text or presented a distorted view of things. Tell them that it’s your side and let them form their own opinions. X’the one thing I’ve done about this that I’m proud of; I’m so done with only explaining one perspective.

I can be better. I just have to make a conscious effort to try. At least I’m writing this here so that there’s a permanent record: I was horrible; I am horrible; I will be horrible but at least I know that. I won’t hide it.

Love from Elm πŸ™‚

Some Blogging Things

Hey everyone!

There are a few things which I want to update you on; I’ve been motivated this week and so have tried to get a lot of things done. Maybe it failed, maybe it succeeded but even so, it’s a step up from how I was before: I’m willing to properly put time and effort into my blog and to make it, again, a place for myself and others.

Last night, an article I wrote for Love From… magazine was published! It’s incredibly exciting for me as it’s the first time that this has happened and I loved to write it. It’s on disability and friendship – my experiences without me speaking for the entire disabled community. You can read it here. If you could tell me what you thought, it would mean a lot!

Over the next few months, I would love to collaborate with people – exams are coming up in May and once they’re done, I intend to really start working with others because I think that’s the best part of blogging. If you’re interested, email me or get in contact with me in any way listed on my contact page.

The final thing is that I’m going to be creating a page with questions and answers about my blindness. These will be the most common questions and will hopefully give you an idea of how I see, how it affects me and how I feel about it. Originally, I was never going to do this because I didn’t want my blog to be about my disability but I think it would be useful for you guys: remember it’s only about my blindness, meaning that other people will be totally different.

On the subject of that, if you’ve ever wanted to know anything about my disability, comment below or ask me privately; I’ll include as many common questions or questions I think are important on the page. Don’t be afraid to talk to me about it: I don’t get offended easily and I’m happy to help you understand anything you need to from my perspective.

Throughout this year, I’ve been neglecting my blog more than I’d like; I’ll freely admit it. The friends I’ve made here are the best friends I could ask for and I want to continue making them. Blogging’s not just a hobby for me any more: it’s turned into something that means more to me than I think anything ever has.

From Elm πŸ™‚

Getting into the Spirit of Things

In my school, there’s a thing that happens every year. The Sixth Formers run it – specifically, the year 12s – and I’ll just call it Charity Week because that’s essentially what it is.

What happens that week is we (or it will be us) dress up in costumes based on a theme – there’s one theme per day – run events and raise money for charity. It’s done through events, cake and sweet sales and donations; it’s a rather huge deal because loads of sixth formers and the younger years get involved. It’s a way to have fun, whilst also doing good.

This year, it’s our turn and two of my best friends are on the team that organise it. I would have run for that – Student Representative – but there’s no way I’m confident enough in my own abilities. This time, though, instead of sitting back and doing bugger all, I’m actually going to help.

Maybe I should concentrate on doing work but I want to prove to myself that I can stick with something and that I’m motivated. My energy levels have plummeted and I really want to change that which means that I’m going to have to get up the confidence to do something.

Did I mention, it’s next week? I also neglected to say that I’ve barely done anything to sort things out.

The first thing is costumes. I’m never usually one to dress up – I’m insecure because I can’t see my costumes, think I’m not trying hard enough or I tried too hard or simply that my costume is shit. After saying to my friends that “I have no one to help me because the family’s busy,” and they telling me, “You have us you moron!” I realised how stupid I was but I suppose I didn’t want to be a burden on them or make them go out of their way.

On some of the days I want to dress up as the White Witch from Narnia, a Dryad (I sobbed with laughter after I came up with that one; Dryads are tree spirits from mythology) and I was going to be a Victorian lady but getting the clothes would be too difficult as it’s too late, so I’m going to dress up as either a peasant girl or Joan of Arc. I also want to dress up as someone from Harry Potter but my mind’s gone blank – if you have any suggestions that aren’t Hermione (everyone will be going as her or multiple people) let me know!

I promised one of the Student Reps that I’d bring in stuff to sell. That includes sweets, biscuits and cakes; that will be my favourite one because how can you realistically go wrong with that? In addition, it’s fun; I love shopping for sweet things because you can get really creative. That will probably be my main focus because it’s what people want to buy.

Somehow, I’ve managed to spread the word about it. In the unit for blind people – VI unit – I was talking about it whilst waiting for a teacher to help me to the form room of the girl I peer mentor; I told the 5 or so people in there at the time that they should get donating as much as they could. I’m not the most charismatic person at all so I most likely came across as too enthusiastic – something they’re not used to because most of them know me as some kind of sarcastic know-it-all bitch – but I hope it got through to them. I even told them in the most chirpy voice ever, “Spread the word in your year if you can – it’s gonna be fab!” and I cringed so hard but for once, I was smiling.

For some reason, I have about 3 year 7 friends along with the girl I Peer Mentor and so when I was in her form, I was also talking about it. I got a few questions and answered them as best as I could – they know my face and so I didn’t have to do any awkward introductions. It was great because I felt like I truly was doing something.

Let’s hope that I can pull the costumes off! Do you have anything like this in your school?

From Elm πŸ™‚

My Brain Can’t Handle the Future

When I actually post this, I’ll be in the middle of wandering round stalls that different universities are at – over 150 of them – with one of my teaching assistants, not socialising with other people because of it, panicking at the sheer amount of unis and, as usual, having a minature crisis about what the hell I’m going to do. Really, I should have at least an idea by now…

For context, I’m in year 12, studying my AS levels – they’re History, English Literature and Psychology so after having dropped French around two weeks ago, I’m doing 3 which is much better for my mental health. I’m also blind, which heaps a bunch of stress onto me: not only tomorrow – today technically but I’m writing this the night before – will I have to think about universities, but I’ll also have to think about whether they can meet my needs. Wooo, sometimes being disabled is a tad inconvenient at times.

There are some things which I know. After I finish Year 13, I want to take a year out to increase my independence at what I nickname “blind college”; I’m already making preparations to start that process, having planned over a month ago to go and visit there in the Easter holidays. In my mind, it’s set in stone as I have to consider how I’d actually survive studying, plus looking after my health: even if I feel worried about being ‘left behind’, there are more important things for me.

The next few years are kind of blurry. I know I want to do a three year ‘undergraduate course – if I get into uni – and that I want to be on a campus rather than having Lectures and things like that spread across a huge area like a city. Where and what course is still a mystery to me; I was searching things up earlier today and stressing so much because there were too many options, to which I got a headache and couldn’t do much.

English is my passion, and always has been; I love both reading and writing: creating ideas but also seeing how others create theirs. That’s the thing: I don’t think I could do either exclusively because I’m indecisive and need a variety. However, anything not related to English might bore me: I could do History but that might make me despise it; if I do journalism or media, I’d most likely realise that wasn’t the career path I wanted. At my heart, I don’t think journalism is for me, although I’d love to work in publishing. I’m keeping my options open.

So, English it is, but what? English Literature would be great but I don’t know if I love it enough to do it on its own. I want to combine the two things I love – reading and writing – to do a degree that I want to do; I think that’s one of the most important things. I’m either going with English Lit and Lang, or English Lit and Creative Writing. I have no idea if I should do a combined course but what I do know is that only doing one thing can leave me feeling stifled.

With the former, I know that it would get me good employment and it’s got high qualifications, ordinarily, that you’d need to meet to start the course – I think I can do that. I’m just worried I’d bail halfway through or realise that language was dull, despite me being fascinated with how language has transformed, both spoken and in the written text. With the latter, I adore creative writing but I’m not sure if I’m good enough; I haven’t been writing much recently except on here and the occasional poems but that’s certainly not dedication to it. As well as that, I don’t know if it’s as prestigious as Lit and Lang; I know that I’d love it but I have to balance with getting a new job because employment figures for disabled people worry me and I want to have a good job – is that shallow? I don’t know.

Not only that, but there’s the issue of where to go. If I manage to select the course I want to do, there’s also balancing which unis are good for it – the qualification is a BA Honours for most courses and I’m just terrified that I’d pick the wrong uni. I think that I’m overthinking as usual but it’s so important that I get good results and balance that with my mental health and happiness because if I’m miserable, what will I achieve? I kind of feel overwhelmed.

I know that there are a thousand people I can talk to, both blind and sighted, who can help me with every aspect of it. Going to open days is a big priority, along with getting advice from people at school, people at the universities itself and friends. How will I know which advice to take? How will I know what’s right, what’s good for me and how do I connect with my emotions and worries enough to do that?

Tomorrow, I’m going to be okay but I may be even more tense than usual. I just want to sort out my life but I also have to deal with A-Levels, the history coursework I’ve barely started and unpleasant feelings of stupid guilt to keep my health in check.

If you’re thinking along the same lines as me then do let me know; if you also know of any good unis for English especially, as well as open days, then drop me a message. We can go through this together because this is a huge step for the majority of people around my age.

From Elm πŸ™‚

I am the Spider

I am nothing now
But tattered silk, ripped in
Guilt, lies and sorrow,
Dreading the undeserved and angered tomorrow-
Because of me?

I was the paragon and angel of
Justice, honesty, clear of thought;
Yet I twisted and pulled the strings so taught
As to snap, choking you,
Manipulating colours and threads until
I did not know which way was right.

What brought me to this?
I ask, bracing myself for the blow of your fist,
Your hissing words, all of which mean:
You hurt me – so I did – you do not understand.
Do I not?

Pain is not new
When it comes to you, yet now
I am the giver, you the battered soul;
Tragic yet poetic, it fills me with the cold
Of knowing: I caused this fire.

You expect me to act,
To be a perfect heart to fall
In love with the idea of love-
Do you know me at all?
Do you know I am scared of flying, letting go,
So scared that I would run, hide-
You think I do not know what I have done,
But with every word you apply to me, I know.

Let me be free, I said, then
Came back, filling my dead eyes
With happiness, thinking it would
Save me – but I, as broken as ever,
Gave you hope that shattered you.
Let me burn for it
In ashes I scattered-

You will never believe me,
When I say that I am sorry,
Say it twice, thrice, yell it-
It makes no difference and so
I run after a dream.

Leave me to my silent screams,
Hidden tears and bloodied hands-
For the web you think so cruel
Has a heart within its strands.

From Elm πŸ™‚