I’m Being Sociable?

Tonight, I’m going to a real, proper, genuine… Party.

I know. The thought of me at a party, surrounded by drunk people dancing, makes me laugh so hard that I can barely speak. To my shock, it’s actually happening. A girl who I don’t know that well, but who I spoke to right at the beginning of the year, invited me to her birthday party, which almost shocked me into the next decade. Because, well, I never get invited to those types of parties.

Really, I’m just assuming that it’ll be a party with alcohol, and loud music, and all that. The girl who’s party it is is lovely, but I don’t know her “character” – so she could be throwing a quiet kind of gathering, or a party like Ivy’s last year. AKA alcohol +dancing +interesting situations; the only other party I’ve been to like that is Ivy’s. Do you see my slight dilemma?

I’m going to Pine’s beforehand for a few minutes, so that her parents can drop us off. Swan will be coming too, but apart from that, I don’t know many people there. It’s the case of “Knowing” them but not knowing them; I know their names but not who they really are. I’m pretty much going to be glued to Pine and Swan all evening, which is irritating because I hate being dependent on people. I couldn’t just go off on my own because I’m blind, could get lost, and I’d be too nervous if I was surrounded by potentially unreliable people who I don’t know.

I’ve decided, as usual, to stress myself out for various reasons. If you know the slightest thing about me, it’s that I’m prone to stressing and if there’s nothing to stress about, then I create a reason. You know the song perfectly? Oh, but what if you screw up when singing? You know how to cook this very basic thing? But what if the oven breaks, or you drop something?!

Being insecure about my body is a special enemy of mine. That means that I have no idea what the hell I’m wearing, because I don’t know what type of atmosphere it’ll be, and what other people would be wearing. Sticking out is terrifying to me in this situation, and I feel too awkward to ask various other people “Hi i’m a fashion disaster – what’re you wearing to the party?” I know that other people’s opinions shouldn’t matter, but this is the first time I’ve been invited to a party with a bunch of people I don’t know, by a girl who isn’t my close friend. She was the first new girl we spoke to before the actual school year started and I think that stuck with her – not to mention throughout the last two months, I’ve had nice conversations with her. It still surprised me, though.

I’m going to enlist my sister in helping me, because she’s back from university. In fact, she offered; she saw that I was getting stressed when I went up to her room and talked to her, and said to me: “Look Elm, it’s okay. I’ll help you, and you won’t fuck this up – you couldn’t.” My sister has gone to so many parties, and is the opposite to me in that she can get out there, wear whatever, and outwardly appear confident. She’ll help with makeup too, because I’m literally unable to apply anything because I’m worried I’ll do it wrong and can’t see myself to check.

I’m also worried that I’ll act stupidly. If there’s alcohol, I don’t really want to get drunk because I hate not being in control, but I may have some. I don’t know. I’m trying not to overthink this or plan it too much in my head, because it’s just a party. It’s still a novelty to even be invited to one by someone like her: someone so nice, who doesn’t know much about me but who’s trying.

Oh, you know what? I’m just going to ‘wing it’, as they say. Recently my mental health has been abismal and I’m not expecting this to fix anything, but it can disarract me. Distraction iso’t the best thing to do but I’ve been constantly feeling bad for the last month with very little break, so I almost think I deserve to forget about shit. Obviously, I’ll still get sad, but having fun will lessen the hurt a little.

What I’m most looking forward to is meeting new people. When I want to be, I can be sociable, and the thought of new people really getting to know me makes me happy. I’ll try not to worry about how I speak, how I look, or if people will think I’m stupid. I’m worried that I just won’t be able to talk to anyone because they’ll all know each other, but I’ll be okay.

I’m just going to enjoy myself, whatever happens. There’s no point to existing if you can’t live a little. I’m still sad but for one night I will be happy and maybe that one night will turn into every night, one day.

From Elm 🙂