A Dream or a Nightmare?

HOW do I write about this? It’s already fading from my mind.

Last night, I had the most painful and heartbreaking dream I’ve ever had, and it was about Ash – my ex-best friend, who I used to be in love with; we never, ever talk any more.

I don’t remember much about the dream now, but I do remember the realistic quality of it. We were talking, and I’d met him – somehow – outside the textiles block.

I asked him “Why?” And I think it was “Why do you do drugs?” “Why did you hurt me?” and just “WHY?!” And he gave a good explanation – what that was, I don’t know.

I think our conversations went a bit like this.

“Ash?”

“Yeah?”

“Would you help me… Walk to the playground?”

“Yeah, sure, but you’ll have to tell me where it is. I can’t remember, because I never go there.” (That was a lie, because in reality, he does).

A sort of “argument” ensued where we were trying to find it, and it was a mix of the new and old Ash. I think HE was the one to approach me, can’t remember why.

I remember holding his arm, and talking about my fear of open spaces – which he knew I had – and walking with him, asking if he was going to feel awkward and worrying so much. And being with him – at one point his friend came along, and we talked for a little but he was Ash, the Ash I knew. His friend was a total dick, and I wish I remembered more.

When we got to the playground, my friend Holly (who is his friend) was there, but he ignored her and continued talking to me about all the shit we’d been through. And Wren was there and she freaked at me because she knew how much Ash had hurt me. We were all on the benches, and I think Ash was crouched on the ground and we just talked and I thought it would be awkward because of my friends – before, we’d stood at the entrance to the playground and I felt only fear, and I asked, “Is this okay?”

It was surreal, and felt so life-like – I wish I’d written about it when it was fresh in my mind. There was NOTHING romantic about the dream, but I just felt my heart breaking throughout, because part of me knew it wasn’t real.

And then I woke up, and just felt empty inside; I’d had a dream before the Ash one but for the life of me, I can’t remember it.

I’m okay now, but I’m a little sad. I sort of felt a twisted nostalgia, like I was remembering a time that hardly ever happened. It’s so, so difficult to describe.

Thanks for reading, and sorry about that. I’m not UPSET, I just remember a lot of things. I get like this sometimes, but it always passes, so don’t worry.

Have you ever had a dream that just stuck with you, or felt so real that you can’t forget it?

From Elm 🙂