Guilt?

I’m feeling… Urgh today. (Urgh isn’t really a word, but shhh roll with it). I don’t really have the energy to write this post but I’m gonna have to because you deserve to know. Ehhh.

In fact, I’m actually quite irritated that I feel bad. Today, I had a great day with Odd and some of our other friends where we basically went around shops and walked by the river. I was so happy to spend time with friends, so why am I so upset now?

Yay, I just thought I’d shout my words onto a screen and onto this blog thing to see where it goes. Oh GREAT, let’s explore Elm’s feelings at the same time she’s figuring them out!

I’m going to get shit for this, and I know it, but sometimes I wish I had never told any real life people about this blog. I love them, trust them and realistically I couldn’t have kept it from them, but now I’m in a situation which I literally can’t talk about. I know that I couldn’t have done this without them – kept up this blog, because they always support me – but I just wonder sometimes. Would I feel more free? It would feel deceitful, though, to talk about what happens with my closest friends. Because I’m not that disgusting, I won’t do that.

It’s not even one situation. There are about three situations right now that are making me feel miserable, none of which I even want to discuss with anyone – not my real life friends, not on the blog, because I can’t. I just don’t care enough at the moment; I don’t want pity or sympathy.

God, I’m so pissed off. I was so so positive earlier, and over the last WEEK even, and now I’ve taken a total nosedive. And for what? A pathetic thing that is my fault. I appear to enjoy blaming myself which is so damn annoying.

URGH I can’t even speak about it, so what’s the point in posting? I’m frustrated, upset, worried, confused, bitter. All those fun emotions are zooming around in my head, plus a heavy dose of guilt. So heavy, in fact, that I kind of want to break something/my fingers?

Oh wow. Wow, wow, wow, I haven’t wanted to do that in a long time. I’m starting to get a little worried for myself, so I think I need to go and calm down, shut myself away, and not go into self-hatred mode.

The majority of the time, I tell myself the following things: You’re irritating. And attention-seeking, don’t forget that. You did that, it’s your FAULT, now deal with it. Stupid fucking baby child. Get a DAMN GRIP and grow the hell up and stop being such a stupid bitch. You thought you had good intentions but nahhh.

What’s bothering me? I don’t know. I don’t even see the point in explaining to anyone, because I’ll just make people feel guilty and then I’ll feel worse. I always do this, don’t I? When the slightest thing happens, I whine, make it all boo-hoo look Elm’s all sad now, and not even think about consequences or anyone else. At least I try to but I don’t in the long run.

What the hell is this post? What’re my thoughts, that they’d make me go back into the cycle of disliking myself, and then disliking myself BECAUSE I have no reason to.

I blow things out of proportion. If anyone in real life reads this they’ll think I’m so stupid and pathetic because I’m not the issue here. Why do I make things about myself and then go all ape-shit crazy noooo I haaaaate myself on a situation? It makes it worse for me and especially other people because it just prolongs things and makes them into a bigger deal than it is.

I’m just going to shut up. I’m so sorry for this: I hate writing negative posts. I know none of you will understand what’s happening and I’m sorry, but sharing this blog with people I know in real life plus paranoia have consequences. I’m happy to deal with them because if real life people didn’t read my blog, they wouldn’t understand me as much.

I make myself feel sick sometimes but that’s okay. Over the last two years, I don’t appear to have learnt a single thing and that’s upsetting me more than I can think. I had a conversation with my mum today about how much I’d progressed but that seems to have shattered.

There’s no point to writing this at all. I’m just so negative, and I ask for attention and get scared when I get it. I’m also needlessly worrying people.

I’m going to get in shit for posting this but then it will just affirm to me I’m not the greatest person. I make mistakes so I need to improve.

Ehh. I need sleep. I still want to punch myself in the ribs but that’ll pass. I won’t do it because it doesn’t achieve anything.

Eek I’m sorry if you had to read that. I REALLY REALLY hate writing stuff like this, especially when I walk the line between real life and the blogosphere. It’s thin and precarious and I feel so so guilty, so much so that I can almost feel it crawling over my skin. Oh well.

I hope you have an amazing day, and always keep smiling.

From Elm πŸ™‚

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44 thoughts on “Guilt?

  1. I seem to remember you telling me that it’s your blog and you can post whatever you want. People are following you for negative content or not. We’re all here to support you in everything you do and you know that many bloggers including would love to listen to you talk to them about stuff you’re going through. What did your outro say? Always keep smiling so take your own advice and turn your day around

    • I find it amazing how you can actually make me feel better with a single comment. You’re right. I just feel so BAD, especially when there’s the strong possibility people will read it who know me IRL. But thank you so so much πŸ™‚ I just get scared

      • I know how it feels to feel like absolute Doo Doo we all do. No matter what you do people who you know irl will always have something to say about you negative or positive so there’s absolutely no need to be scared. Don’t let people in real life stop you from expressing yourself. They’ll always have an opinion of you so it’s a matter of ignoring it.

      • That’s very true, ebb%pecially the “they’ll always have an opinion of you” bit. I just get scared that if I post something, they’ll think it’s about them and then get paranoid and upset, which will cause me to feel guilty ARGH! Sorry, I won’t get frustrated again. I’m alright now today; I was just at a bit of a low point yesterday.

      • Don’t feel guilty because it’s probably not even about them and even if they do suspect it. You can simply explain yourself and then it’s down to them whether they choose to listen

      • But it’s good that you’re ok. Always remember you’re an elm tree and you tower above anyone else. If anyone tries to cut you open to look at your rings you bitch slap them with a branch

  2. hey it’s perfectly okay and human to write a post about the negative things you’re feeling. I, too, would be terrified of friends irl reading stuff I might say but they’re not really friends if they’re going to criticise you for being yourself. And if it’s real enough for you then that’s not pathetic at all. I hope you’re alright and if you ever need someone to vent to I’m always around πŸ™‚

    • Thank you very very much πŸ™‚ I’m okay now I think, I was just at a really low point yesterday for no good reason. But you’re really great and I need to thank you for always being here; it means a lot to me. I guess I forget that I’m ALLOWED to be real whenever I choose to be, you know?

  3. YOU CAN PULL THROUGH THIS! YOU ARE FABULOUS AND LOVELY AND HELPFUL AND MOST IMPORTANTLY YOU ARE HUMAN and we all make mistakes my friend ❀ I believe in you!

    • You’re so so right as EVER!!! ELLY I LOVE YA πŸ™‚ You’re so kind and nice and amazing! Thank you. I know I can get through this – I’m okay now – I just need to do something I love doing.

  4. Tch, is it just me or does anyone else feel weird about liking emotional posts? Like “This is a post about my dead dog” *7 people like this*
    All that aside, I don’t know what you’re going through so I don’t exactly know what to say (which is very rare for me).
    But why don’t you try going through some of your happier posts. Like the one about cooking with your mom. Maybe looking back on better times will help boost your mood a little. I think.
    All the best though.

  5. Aw Elm you’re probably not blowing this out of proportion, if it FEELS like a big deal to you then it IS a big deal to you :). I know you said you didn’t want to talk to anyone about it but if you need anything at all remember I’m just an email away, as are loads of your other lovely followers. Chin up! ❀

    • You are fab, you know that? πŸ™‚ Thank you so much. If there’s ever anything you need, I’M an email away too. I guess it’s just all a bit confusing right now. I’m okay today, whereas yesterday I was at a low point for no good reason but oh well! I hope I’m not blowing this out of proportion.

  6. We’re all here to support you πŸ™‚ you should feel great to get all of that negative energy out, so please dont feel guilty, this is what blogging is for. You should vent or do something to get all that negative stuff out. You are analyzing your feelings, the biggest step anyone can take. Now folow your advice, go do stuff you love to do and smile. And no one is perfect. If someone seems that way, be inspired ^^

    • Ahhh thank you so much, as always! πŸ™‚ Yeah, you’re right. Today, I think I’m just going to relax and maybe read, because that’ll make me feel a lot better. I can’t thank you enough for actually talking some SENSE into me to show me I’m not being stupid or attention-seeking. I often think that I’m terrible for posting negative things but really, it’s human. It means a lot πŸ™‚

      • Haha I can relate because before summer break started I was complaining crazily about school lol XD I felt the same as you, but I realized it’s okay because all of the support really makes me feel better ^^ Hope you feel better elm πŸ˜€

  7. Awwwww! Hope everything gets better soon! It is perfectly ok to write such. Sometimes writing things like this is the only thing that keeps me sane. You have an amazing blog because you share things like this that others can relate with. I know I’m pretty new here, but I’m up for talking any time you want. I have no doubt that whatever this is will blow over soon, and then you’ll be right as rain! πŸ™‚

    • Let’s hope! πŸ™‚ Thanks for all your support, it means a lot. I just sometimes feel SO bad about writing negative things, but I’m trying to get it into my head that it’s okay, you know? But yeah, I’m always here to talk if YOU ever need something, cause I know you’d do the same for me.

  8. if i didn’t want to read your negative posts then i wouldn’t be here supporting you. stop saying sorry for being human. as for proportion: remember that all the negativity and misery and stuff is relative, everyone will see it differently. one person could be devastated by something while another barely notices, but it mostly depends on your situation and past experiences. don’t think that just because you seem to be one who is devastated by it, that makes you any less of a person, or that it makes you weak. also you can message me or any of us if you want to.

    • You’re really amazing πŸ™‚ I know, I NEED to stop apologising for things like this. It’s human and perfectly fine, plus I’m getting my feelings out. Also yeah, it IS relative and I need to remember that. I just sometimes feel so stupid when I think things are terrible, when to others it wouldn’t be.
      Thanks for your support as always! πŸ™‚

      • no problem Elm. and if you feel stupid just remind yourself: ‘I am not stupid.’ because you’re not, and you know that. you just have to stop yourself from believing it when you’re feeling shitty.

  9. You do know that you don’t need to apologize for this, right?
    This is YOUR blog, YOUR head, YOUR thoughts, YOUR friends you’re talking to. All this? yeah, yours. While some things aren’t yours to share, your feelings are definitely something you can share here. In fact, you’re SUPPOSED to, am i right? It’s your blog after all.
    Sooo… what do we learn Elm? No more apologizing

  10. Elm, no apologizing! It’s your blog, so you get to post what you want! Remember, if people didn’t want to read your stuff, they wouldn’t be following you, and/or they wouldn’t come on your blog at all. There’s always an option online, and all of us here, reading your posts and commenting? We CHOSE to be here, because we WANT to read what you write! We care about you, so don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!
    -Amy

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