Something I Want to Tell You

I swear, as of late, my blog’s become a place for terrifyingly deep posts, or for announcing shit that’s been happening with no prior warning. Of course, as you can tell by the VERY ambiguous title, it’s the latter.

Long story short, I have a boyfriend. I never said I’d ease you into the “revelation”!

So. A lot’s been happening over the last… Three months. Pretty much all of it, I couldn’t talk about on my blog because:
The people in question read it
Some of them didn’t know and I couldn’t deal with them knowing just then
I felt so horrific, emotion-wise, that even if I could write about it I wouldn’t know how

Even now, I can’t be entirely honest. Stuff is still happening, which is making me feel god-awful but there’s nothing I can do. This will be a short post, well, to announce this very mysterious thing that you’re not curious about.

Back to the point of this: Elm has a boyfriend. I think I’ve done two of these announcement posts before? This one’s a little different.

Some of you know, but to most of you, this will be a massive surprise. There’s a good reason as to why I haven’t been talking about the specifics of my love life, but if you read some of my more recent posts, you might be able to pick up on some barely-there references. I mean, even I can’t pick them up much, but I’ve found out that people can read me better than I can.

Err soooo, the boyfriend… How do I explain this without totally confusing myself and you?

Last summer, so back in the days when I was naive Elm, I wrote about a guy called S. It’s annoying because I can’t think of a tree name for him and at the time, I was so panicked that I picked a LETTER. UGH. You can find the post here and I suggest you do, to get some context.

As you read, he was my first kiss. Then, I fucked it all up by bailing on him in the October half term of that year, and then we didn’t really speak for 3 months. I learned a huge lesson then, and that was that I was VERY much capable of getting scared and throwing something great away. After January, we sort of spoke; it wasn’t that I was upset with him or he was with me, but so much other stuff was happening.

Here’s where it gets blurry, into the section that I can’t talk about much. If I didn’t WANT to tell you, I wouldn’t have mentioned that I can’t talk about it, but I’m dealing with not just my emotions here. After the breakup with Rapunzel, complicated shit started happening. Again, because of privacy and because I find it kind of horrible to dwell on it, I can’t talk about it so much. All I’ll say is a screwed up “love triangle” occurred and I felt so guilty that at times I couldn’t think.

The “official” relationship started about a week and a half ago. It’s actually been going on for a while, but I’ve been much too scared to admit that I wanted a relationship until now. You know me – I question my feelings all the time, and get afraid that I’ll screw things up. What happened in terms of it would be something I’d be describing if I COULD, and maybe one day I will.

He makes me very happy. We’ve known each other for, technically, 6 years and though he wasn’t around for some of the massive things in my life, he saw me before AND after the changes in my personality and still put up with me. Even when I was a dick to him (he said I wasn’t but shhh), he stuck by me. It WILL seem out of the blue, but I needed to tell you because I trust you all.

It’s funny, because he understands me so much. Sometimes I don’t even need to finish my sentence, because he knows what I mean anyway. The relationship’s long-distance, but I’m okay with that; we’re not the type of people to suddenly lose interest because I trust him enough for him or I NOT to do something stupid. I’m able to laugh around him and be serious and yes, he gets frustrated with me sometimes but so do I.

This is the thing. I’ve been wanting to tell you guys for so long, to update you on EVERYTHING but I still can’t. I needed to tell a few people first, because this is a blog that goes out to the Internet and though I wanted you to be the first to know, it didn’t turn out that way.

Relationships won’t ever be 100 percent perfect. I’ll have my crying moments, my feeling shit moments, but I’ll also have times where I feel so incredibly happy. My sister asked me if I actually liked the people I had relationships with, which is the first time I’ve ever been properly offended in a while. Because though it could be argued that I have had a fair few “relationships”, they’ve all got me to where I am right now. That right now isn’t perfect, but it’s here and I’m willing to make it shitloads better.

All in all, I’m happy. I’m in a relationship and I’m happy because of that; I don’t hate myself for it or think I’m rushing, because it took me a long time to realise I wanted one and to finally put a part of my happiness first.

Thank you for ALWAYS sticking by me through everything that’s happened. In having this blog, I’ve got more confident as my love life’s expanded and gone a little haywire at times. This post may seem a bit bland, laying out the facts with little emotion, but I don’t know how else to put it.

If you do want the full story of what’s been happening, you can email me or click on my contact page. I’ll tell you, if you’re willing to read long paragraphs about my life.

I wish I could post everything, but sometimes I can’t. Balancing who reads this blog from real life and me letting out my emotions can sometimes be very difficult, and now’s one of those times.

I want you to remember something. Always, no matter what, look at things from someone else’s perspective. Don’t jump to conclusions, or treat someone as the villain outright, because the likelihood is that you don’t know the full story. You can’t know how a person thinks, and you can’t get inside their brain to feel all their emotions – so, before you tell yourself they’ve done something, think about how they feel about it.

I’m ready to deal with everything, and I know you’ll see me through it.

From Elm 🙂