As with the first time I did this, I’m going to be writing little sentences to explain complicated thoughts in my head. Sometimes, expanding on a point makes me tired so these will have to do. Remember if you feel like any of these, I understand and you can always talk to me about it.
I get scared when I feel strong emotion and so have blocked it out for the last 3 months and now I don’t understand how to un-block it.
Having people be disappointed in me or not trust me any more really hurts but I brought it on myself and I feel like I deserve it.
I’ve lied to so many people that the thought of having to tell the truth – which I started to do yesterday – terrifies me because where do I start?
The longer I refused to admit things to people, the worse it got.
I’m going to repeat the same mistakes I did before because I said I wouldn’t in the summer and then did: I don’t know how to stop myself or if I will.
I have so little trust and faith in myself and others as a general rule that I feel lost a lot of the time.
I avoid my problems to such an extent that it makes them worse and causes me to lose friends.
I’ve missed a few blogging opportunities because I’ve been too stressed to reply to emails, when I know that blogging is the one thing I truly love.
Distracting myself is the only way I can get through days without screaming but I don’t know how to stop distracting myself now.
Last night, I stayed up until 2 AM because I was miserable and for the first time in a while, thought concrete thoughts without shying away from them.
Yesterday evening, I got so angry with myself that I wanted to punch through my window and it terrified me.
When I’m lonely, I do stupid, irrational things and now I’m known for that; it makes me sad.
If I get paranoid that people will hate me or never speak to me again, I don’t tell them things that I should which is so damaging to everyone involved.
The feelings I discussed here have grown and I really don’t like it; it’ll end in tears for me.
I’ve really fucked up and the magnitude of that has been hitting me all day, leaving me shaking and disgusted with myself.
Over the next few months, I want to feel like I have some kind of purpose rather than feeling listless.
I’m worried that when I go abroad later this month, my classmates will think I’m weird and won’t speak to me.
I still feel lonely and as much as it’s okay, I hate it.
Good days are what I live for.
Apologising is a scary thing for me because I can’t get the words right and if I screw this up, I won’t only upset myself but it’ll impact at least two other people.
I’m scared but I need to do something; I need to fix all of this.
I need to fix this now otherwise it’ll never be sorted.
If I can make other people happy, if I can swallow my pride and just say sorry without any justification for my actions, everything will be alright.
From Elm 🙂